Disillusionment

As I grow older, I unfortunately see more of what is wrong with the world, and how little seems to really work to change it. When it gets late at night, and I am in the least logical time of month, well, it leads to a pretty intense disillusionment with tears.

I think of how women 40, 50 years ago didn't generally have to work outside the home. DO NOT GET ME WRONG ON THIS ONE-working as a stay-at-home-mom, or even just as a house-wife IS work. Now, however, most households are two-earners...yet the standard of living is approximately the same. And women and men are required to work longer hours at work and at home just to survive. This leads to much greater levels of stress, and in turn, health risks.

Don't get me wrong on this either, I am grateful that women are encouraged to be independent and have careers.

What I am getting at is that things have changed. It's not a choice, it's a necessity for many that there are two earners.

I'm of the belief that most children do best when they have a parent stay at home with them until they are of school-age, and do best when, until 10 or 11 (and sometimes even later) there is a parent around when they come home from school.

That doesn't happen much anymore.

Now, kids can do well in daycare, if it is well-run, and the staff are well-trained and caring. The two centres that I have worked at were places that, had I been required to, I would have been 'okay' leaving my child (in the metaphorical sense). The staff were well trained, there was a low turnover rate, and the kids got a lot of physical activity, along with an emphasis on the importance of reading.

But would I have wanted my child to be there, not really. Yes, staff take care of the children, and do the best they can. Children are offered the opportunity to develop friendships with other children.

Some of my main objections to the daycare system include:

-much harder for children to have all necessary 'alone' and 'quiet' time. Children are loud, that is normal...in a house, a child can easily chill out (even in a pretty busy house) in a quiet spot. They can easily daydream in the backyard, or hide out under their bed or under the stairs with a book. It's much harder to escape it when you are in one big room with 4, 6, 8, 10, in a large centre run out of a gym (schoolage in the situation that I worked at) as many as 50 (ish) other people!

-let's just say that the health standards for the food are not what I would put into my child. Again, doing the best that they can...maybe...or perhaps just not educated enough. But the one daycare DID serve bologna to kids. YIKES with a capital WHAT WERE/ARE THEY THINKING?! And the other served hotdogs.

-children were somewhat more regimented and less able to entertain themselves.

-Less able to be individualized...this in my mind is particularly important for children in regards to naps. Some two year olds may be able to give up naps (but most not), sometimes six-year-olds need naps. In the one daycare, yes, children up to age five COULD potentially take a nap if their parents wanted them to, or if staff (depending on parent's requests) felt that they particularly needed one on a given day, but there was a limit as to how many cots could be out in the room at a certain time. In one instance, a little girl who was clearly tired, cranky, and needing a nap had to wait for another child to wake up so that she could go down for a much needed rest. This was for security and safety regulations in the room, and was needed for that purpose, but it is clearly better to be able to offer an individualized nap program for your child! One little boy would ALWAYS fall asleep at about noon, and would sleep until he had to be woken up at 2:30. It was clear upon being awoken that he really did need to sleep for longer, but it wasn't possible in this situation. His parents even mentioned that on the weekends he would sleep longer and still go to bed at a normal 2-year-old time, so it wasn't one of those cases where kids like to get their sleep schedules mixed up and just sleep during the day and be awake during the night.

-Children are introduced to peer pressure at an earlier age. Peer pressure can be both positive and negative at any age. Sometimes, such as in the case of a 2-3 year old class where many are in the process of potty training, this can be helpful. But on the flip side, there can be many negative things that start up that much earlier by having a group of children together most days of the week for several hours at a time.

-Because caregivers in daycares will have anywhere from 3-15 children under their care/charge at any one time (unless they are a 'special' for a child with additional support needs-the new politically correct term) depending on their age and the area where one is located (Where I am, it is 1:4 for children under age 2, 1:6 for two year olds, 1:8 for preschool age (this can include 2 year olds if they are included with children at least 3 years old), 1:10 for kindergarten and 1:15 for school age (6 and over), certain things can and do happen from time to time. Biting between children ages 3 and under is not uncommon, and is sometimes hard to stop, even amongst the most diligent of caregivers. This is less likely to happen if a caregiver has fewer to watch at one time. It still happens...my mom did home daycare when I was little, and one of the children that she cared for, a girl just a few months older than me who I am still in contact with now one day put her hand in my mouth and I bit it. This probably happened when we were around 1 year old. It happens...but in a large daycare, it happens more often.

-Children are sometimes encouraged or required to switch activities when it would seem that all are still enjoying what they are doing. My feeling is that daycares do not really boost the attention spans of children. Now, if it is a matter of sharing, then definitely work out a system to do so. Children do need to learn to share, and the younger the better...but there is a difference between sharing, and being forced to change activities when what the child is doing is learning how to increase their focus, concentration and attention span.

-Because of regulations that are there for a reason (a necessary one), children have less ability to be independent, and are definitely waited on hand a foot a bit more in a daycare. Caregivers have to pour milk for instance, even for the 11 and 12 year olds. I don't know about you, but I was pouring milk for myself at a much earlier age. In fact, the ONLY thing that goes into children's mouths that is NOT measured and handed  to a child by a caregiver is water. And even that is only a 'sometimes' thing. It is also not possible for a child who is say, 10 or 11, to go out and ride their bike except on a 'bike day' around the parking lot. This is an example of how being with a parent caregiver provides children with more independence then a daycare. When I was 10 I most definitely was able to ride my bike on my own in the neighbourhood in my boundaries and wearing a watch or carrying a timer so that I would check in every so often (this amount of time increased as I got older-I think it started out at 15 minutes. By about 14, so long as I told when I was going out and wasn't out after dark there was definitely no limits to how long I could be out. I probably didn't really have boundaries then, but did kind of stick to the ones from my younger years. Habits and all).

-It is harder to attach to someone when you have several different staff providing you with care throughout the day. In fact, when one little girl at the first daycare I worked at developed a particularly close relationship with me, it was somewhat discouraged. I think it is there so that when a child moves to a different room, or a teacher leaves, the pain is less. But would you say to a child "Oh, don't grow attached to your mother, father, grandma, aunt...because you might move, or they might die and then you'll have pain" ?

I have more reasons why I do not want my future children to be in daycare someday, especially a large daycare centre, but some of them are harder to write out. My top reason is that it is simply harder to raise your children in the way you really want to raise them when they are not with you for a large percentage of their waking hours. Say I told a daycare centre that I was vegetarian, and raising my children that way and that they also did not drink cow's milk (all things that I intend to do). Very hard for them to follow those guidelines, I would have to bring in separate snacks and soy milk (no almond milk in daycare centres because of the nuts) and they would still frown on it. My friend C's daughter D is 2.5 years old and in the daycare centre at my university. C is not raising D vegetarian, but D will not eat meat at this point, so C figures that she might as well offer vegetarian options alongside still offering D meat choices. The daycare doesn't seem to view something like chickpeas in the same category as chicken, despite the fact that they are in the same food group! Meat AND Alternatives...

And say I felt that my child at age 5 (kindergarten) should still have a nap or quiet time in the afternoon. Most likely, that would not be a possibility, even if it was what they truly needed.

What about movies? Many daycares offer a movie once a week. If I wasn't keen on the movies that they were showing-not because they were harmful, but because they were just plain junk and I felt that my child would be better off colouring, playing with blocks, looking at books, dress-up, just-about-anything-else...well...most likely not an option.

Except in religious daycares that specifically offer a religious basis...my child would not be exposed to any kind of faith during those hours. Not even by a staff member with the same beliefs in private with my child. My parents did not 'force religion down my throat', but offered it in ways throughout the day/night that helped me to grow.

This is just one way that I was feeling disillusioned tonight. That families are struggling so much to maintain a pretty basic lifestyle and that the prospects for change are not looking good. What's next, all children over the age of 8 have to work to help out? In our society with school and the types of jobs that are out there, that is just not possible. When 'helping out' meant helping on the family farm by weeding the vegetable garden with your mother that was one thing, or learning carpentry alongside your father...but it is definitely happening that teens are actually having to drop out of highschool, or take longer to graduate to take on poorly-paying jobs so that their families can pay the bills and keep food on the table. And I wonder where my generation is going to be when we hit 'retirement' age. Can't rely on any care from the government to survive, I'm sure that CPP (Canada Pension Plan) and OAS (Old Age Security) will be completely gone in about 20-25 years, if not sooner. There is a reason that retirement is supposed to come out-it's called the body and brain age to a point where it is not possible to properly perform a job any longer. Yet I see people well over the age of 65 working in places like Wal-Mart (when I dare to venture in), fast-food places and even things like gas stations more and more.

I generally maintain that a relatively simple lifestyle is best. I am more of an experiences person than a things person. I am very happy to spend a lot of my leisure time doing things like baking with a friend, playing an instrument, listening to music and reading a book, or knitting. The vast majority of what I knit leaves the house. Yes, you can argue that my instrument cost me $8000. That is completely true, and I will never deny that. Most of my entertainment comes from relatively inexpensive sources however. I haven't been to see a movie in three years, I don't play video games or online games (those things can rack up prices pretty quickly), I definitely don't gamble or go out for expensive things like water parks, paintball, laser tag etc...

And when it does come down to it, I am now 'paying' probably less than a dollar for each time I pick up my flute (again, this is metaphorically speaking). From the way I've seen things, a lot of electrical equipment probably lasts to about $1 a usage. Things just aren't made to last, and gaming systems certainly seem to break down quickly, or 'need' to be upgraded, along with the games. Although I do buy books, many of the ones are hand-me-downs, and I also frequent my public library and university library system.

I'm disillusioned with politics, and the way things are going. I'm disillusioned that the 99% are struggling more, and the 1% getting wealthier and wealthier. I'm disillusioned that so little seems to be done to care for the planet (even if every person just did one little thing it would be a big help). I'm disillusioned when I hear of violence.

I do try to live with the mantra of changing myself first and foremost because really, that's all I can do...reach out in the ways I can...but I feel so horrible when it seems like nothing ever happens for the better.

If you've actually read to the bottom of this post, congratulations. This was the late-night ramblings of a tearful young woman concerned about her future and more importantly, the future of the planet that we call Earth...

Sundays...not supposed to be this eventful!

Summer sundays are not typically this eventful for me! Day started with me waking up from having what I would call a disturbing or unsettling dream. It was kind of a reverse history dream...my mom was alive and it was ME that was going in for surgery. It was probably triggered by reading a bit about congenital heart defects and whatnot. Either way...the dreams in which my mom are healthy are hard. The strangest thing was that I never actually got the surgery. Somehow, our little public library was connected to the hospital, and my minister was there, wishing me luck...but then I ended up in our church's sunday school hall to go to the bake sale. I was perusing the jams/jellies sections when I was woken up.

My dad was guest preaching/filling in at one of the struggling presbyterian churches in our city this morning...a church without air conditioning...when the temperature this afternoon went up to 34 degrees. Needless to say, during that hour, my heart got put under some stress, and I don't know how much longer I could have tolerated the heat. It was on the second floor of the church too, and there was almost no breeze this morning, so having the windows open and the fans on really didn't do anything. In total, including my dad, myself, and the church organist...there were a total of 18 people there. Hence why I say that the church is struggling. Anyways...it was hot. Period. My dad did all right though-writing sermons is not exactly his strong suit, and he tends to get a bit excited when presenting and typically stumbles a bit over words during scripture readings. What sort of bothered me was that the pew bibles were not the same version/edition as the pulpit bible. I sometimes like to follow along, but had to stop because my brain hurt from trying to combine them!

After the service, I took him out to Moxies, because I had a 'buy one brunch, get one free', so we enjoyed that. I figured that the rest of the day would be pretty uneventful, but around 4:30, I noticed that the very hot sunny day had started turning less-than-sunny. We had quite the thunderstorm, although it was relatively short lived and THANKFULLY cooled things down pretty quickly. However, about halfway through watching Masterpiece Mystery together (because we're cool like that...), the phone rang, and it was my sister. I guess her end of the city had things a bit more severely than we did, because one of the trees in her backyard was uprooted and crashed down on her garage, and a powerline was also knocked down by it. Though she strangely still has power. Let's just say that hearing things like that is pretty shocking, especially as less than a month ago, she was again 'spared' when the guys installing her air conditioner told her that her furnace had a six inch crack in it and that she was pretty lucky that she hadn't been exposed to toxic levels of carbon monoxide poisoning (as she did not have a CO alarm at the time).

It's been less than a year since she bought the house, but she has certainly had her share of the "Joy of owning a home" experiences in that time.

Experiences like today remind you of how much you love someone...and how easily things can go wrong.

Surgery...takes a while to heal from...

Going into getting my wisdom teeth removed, I figured that I would feel some pain (hoped that it would be fine with just advil, which it was), would probably swell (yes, I did, to a ridiculous level where my normally thin cheeks were so big and heavy that when I got up to walk around I would literally gently hold them up), and would have a bit of bruising (yes, but not that bad...mostly just a yellow patch on my left cheek).

What I didn't anticipate was how run-down it would make me feel, and for how long. It's now been almost a week, yet, I am still unable to rise at my normal time, despite going to bed with plenty of time to sleep. Let's just say I'm not too keen on sleeping for 10 hours every night. Right now, my bed is covered in things like my knitting basket, slippers, photo albums, yoga mat, running shoes, cell phone charger, purse, backpack...all those things that normally stay on my floor, but are up there because this morning I told myself that I WAS GOING TO VACUUM MY ROOM. My sudden inspiration that I should vacuum my closet too and not just the 'highlights' only worsened the situation. As I was moving things, my legs started to get that energy-drain feeling. Unfortunately, it is now a feeling that I know all too well.

So, I sit on my bedroom floor with my bed covered in everything, and not enough energy to run the vacuum or even to just move everything. Sigh.

I guess healing takes a while, and takes longer when your body has another struggle to overcome (my heart)...but I would like to be back to normal! No one told me that it was going to be so long of a healing period, all I was told was to "take it easy for a day or so". Perhaps if I'd known that recovery would take longer for me, I wouldn't be so frustrated with myself. Meanwhile, my brain ponders the possibility of sleeping on my bedroom floor tonight...

Chipmunk Mode

I have entered into chipmunk mode, AKA, I had my wisdom teeth out at around 12:30 today. All things told, it really wasn't that bad, that worst part of today was the starting of the IV. No matter how much I insisted that it WOULD NOT work on my right arm, they still insisted on trying, because my veins appear more prominent there. They thought that they had it in, and started injecting the sedation medicines, but all that did was cause me to be in intense pain, while not drifting off to sleep. Finally, they switched it to my left arm, and in about 2 seconds, I was out, and the next thing I knew I was waking up. I don't think that I was that spacey, but I don't remember much of the car ride to the pharmacy, although I DO remember running into my piano teacher there, and then rambling on about the conference, the student she had referred to me, and Mrs. Treble Clef and Mr. Bass Clef...

Glad that she has known me for almost 20 years now...

So far, it has not been very painful, I am getting by pretty well on just advil. Mostly, it actually seems to be my cheeks that are hurting from the swelling, and I know that that is only going to increase over the next day or so, but the advil is also an anti-inflammatory and should help with that. In all honesty, doing my stress test, although shorter, was harder on me.

Exhausted, but happy

I am utterly exhausted now, even though it is only 8pm. Although, my body does think that it is 9pm because from saturday until the plane left at 2:30 this afternoon, I was a timezone further east. A wonderful conference, with many great memories and lots of education to help me in my teaching, but now I am tired!

Friday I go in to get my wisdom teeth out. Obviously not looking forward to that, and there is still that bad gut-feeling that going under general anaesthesia was the wrong choice for me to make...I guess only time will tell.

Term Insurance

Long story about what has been going on lately, but I've applied for term insurance. Applied, and I have no clue if I will be accepted. My medical history kind of makes me nervous that I won't. Being born with my heart condition, I certainly couldn't help that-if that's what disqualifies me, then there is nothing that I can do about it. But no one told me at 15 that getting diagnosed with depression could someday make it so that I couldn't get insurance. Note that term insurance is different than life insurance. Term insurance, you are covered for a certain period of time, with lower premiums and less hidden print. It is through Primerica, so the phrase "Buy term and save the difference" is what we go by. Part of the reason I am applying now is that things are NOT going to get better on the heart front, only more likely to make me denied coverage. On the mental exclusion front, well, time will help that...

It's not that I personally need insurance at this point in my life...but let's fast forward to ten years down the road. Maybe I'm married and have a child. I am then at a point where I DO likely need insurance, but it's only going to be more challenging to get then, as my heart is likely to continue gradually worsening to the point where medications and/or surgery are necessary to fix or replace my valve. I wish I had done this back in October, then I would only have had one big exclusion mark against me, not two possible ones.

Having to tell the company over the phone about my eating disorder past was hard. Is it at a very manageable point at this time in my life? Yes. Did I feel like I was being judged when I talked about still involving myself actively in doing a group and seeing a dietician from time to time to make sure that I am still on the right track? YES.

It could be some time before I hear about this, and even if I am denied, it is not the be-all-and-end-all...if I am denied coverage, at least I know and can prepare in other ways, such as investing more. If I am accepted, then I am covered for 35 years...

I haven't felt this stressed for some time, but I do now. And it is not a nice kind of stress in the least.

Bernat Baby Blanket Corner to Corner Blanket

Sometimes, it's nice to have a blanket made from REALLY thick yarn because it works up so fast! This one didn't take very long at all to make. It's a corner to corner blanket in a seed stitch pattern-so you increase or decrease every other row. The seed stitch means that it's Knit 1, Purl 1 all the way across, giving it a bit more texture. Because Wal-Mart didn't have enough of any single colour, I figured that combining two would work out okay, and it did. So, here it is in Baby Blue and Funny Prints. I decided that I would just knit until I was out of yarn/almost out of yarn on the "10th row of pattern" so it's a bit larger than the pattern specified. Oh well. I have no problems with that, and I'm sure some small child will not either! I never understand the patterns that have baby blankets only, say, 28 x 27 inches. If you have a well-knit or crocheted baby blanket, you will want it to last well into their childhood. Mine was definitely an adequate blanket until I hit around double digits in age. Okay, so I was a strange child in that I was stunted in growth (or so it seemed), but either way, mine lasted a LONG time in it's original blanket on bed/couch type of function. It is STILL on my pillow every night, and I have definitely been known to put it around my shoulders while studying or working on late night essays. My good friend B. told me that until just a few months ago, her blankie was on her pillow every night...until she found a guy and felt that she didn't need it anymore. And she is 26!

Anyways...