As any readers of my posts for the past few days have noticed, I've been in a more depressed, stressed, anxious, nervous, obsessive, worried, tired (shall I continue?) state. Well, I've been trying to take the words of my flute teacher L to heart...her basic message was incredibly simple and straightforward, but one I'd been ignoring for some time I guess: "Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts!" Well, here are just some of the negative thoughts that I have been working to replace with more positive, encouraging ideals.
"ACK! Jury! ACK! I haven't prepared enough, I'm going to get nervous, it's so much of my grade, this is my 4th year jury, ACK!" (and so forth)
Replaced with: "I get a chance next week to perform for several very talented, dedicated and experienced musicians of different backgrounds who will give me comments to help further my musical development" When I think about it that way, it starts to become exciting.
"PAPERS!" Replaced with: "I have the opportunity to write about some interesting topics and develop the way my brain thinks. After all, Fluxus and Bernstein are quite interesting! Plus, I have done at least several dozen papers before, many of them quite a bit longer (remember, the Fluxus paper is only 3-5 pages!), and I have always done well (I don't think I've ever scored lower than a B on an essay, and usually an A or A+...this is going all the way back to when we first started writing essays in junior high). I truly enjoy writing, and many say that I have a natural skill for it. This is going to be okay! I have done it before, and I can do it now!"
"I lost a Sunbeams One student and I'm not sure what to do with the two students who are VERY much ready for Sunbeams Two and would not work to be side-stepped to either Sunshine Two or Moonbeams One classes where it would be-on either part-a lot of review" replaced with: "I don't have to worry about that at this moment, I will focus on that NEXT week after my Philosophy of Music paper is finished, and in consultation with those who have experience in these matters"
"Grades! Especially those two for first semester that still haven't been replaced yet!" replaced with: "Be patient, they will be updated. And, even if they aren't...it is not the be all and end all of your university career. You can always take more courses and score higher to help pull the grades up a bit further if you need to. There are options. This has been a difficult semester, you have been going through and dealing with a lot, and although you perhaps didn't do the best you could, you didn't do the worst either. This is all a learning experience, and you have learned a lot about how you think and react in situations from this"
And those are just a few! I'm not saying that I'm not still having some moments...but the past two days have been pretty good on all fronts...although I'm not finished the 20th century paper that is due tomorrow by 4:30. But I am going to relax and do some work on it, and remind myself that it is not that long, I have already done a presentation on the topic, so it will come back to me, and that I have done this before and I do have enough time to work on it.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Mondays=tears
For some reason now, mondays bring me to tears...but only just. I'm not entirely sure why...especially as I used to LOVE mondays, even during the hardest times of my mom's illness, or previous depression episodes.
Yes, I have come to the conclusion that this really isn't just a little passing thing. This is several weeks now of things, yes, it is better on some days than others, but overall...especially as it did not improve with finishing assignments. A lot of the time, I am spending feeling on the brink of tears, but I can never really cry and let things loose which might help. Sometimes, I feel like I cried myself out in high school. During my mom's illness, I often listened to the same songs on repeat on my MP3 player in bed while writing in my journal and doing the same thing-only slightly crying. The main songs I played on repeat included:
Come to Jesus-the recording that I have is actually sung by one of my close guy friend's mom...who is an alto in the Concert Choir that I sing in. BUT...I didn't realize that she was the singer on the cd until this year. This is what happens when someone decides to go by their maiden name, but their children (naturally) take on their father's name. She is a wonderful woman though, and I appreciate her support. Plus, my joke is that if something ever happens to me in choir, I have pretty much the best resource possible: An ER dr who knows a good chunk of my medical history!
Be thou my vision-the wind ensemble recording that I was part of at IMC 2007.
Colours and Contrasts of Grief-recorded with NYB 2009. My parents actually drove out 8 hours to come hear one of my concerts with NYB 2009. It meant a lot to me. If only I had known that just a few months later (NYB is always in May) my mom wouldn't even be able to walk up the stairs in our house...Listening to Colours and Contrasts of Grief was almost 'pregrieving' I guess.
Gabriel's Oboe from the soundtrack to The Mission.
Amazing Grace-as recorded by my high school's band. Although, not a band that I was a part of.
On a Hymnsong of Philip Bliss-again, same as before.
...and a few others...although I honestly can't remember them right now. Needless to say, however, I'm sure that if it was a cd, I would have worn it down to nothing.
Tomorrow, I have at least one and hopefully two appointments. I see the dietician tomorrow at 9am...well, slightly after 9am as I have to phone my doctor's office and see if I can get in tomorrow. I really need to get my bloodwork done-electrolytes, iron, hemoglobin and RBC, blood sugar...
The blood sugar part means that I have to fast. Not that difficult on the food part, but not being able to have any tea!
I have a not-so-great feeling about the potassium levels, because after gaining 3 pounds in 4 days, today has been complete overdrive from my kidneys, meaning that I could easily be dropping the levels without trying. Gaining 3 pounds in 4 days means that for whatever reason, I was retaining quite a bit of fluid. It's really hard on an ED person-present or past-to suddenly gain weight like that though. My logical brain says that it was probably almost entirely water, if not entirely-especially as one of the days was quite a restrictive day-but the ED brain goes FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT. Pretty much in caps too! That is how an ED brain works. It is certainly not a logical brain. Sometimes, separating things makes me feel slightly-if not completely-schizophrenic. While I am happy to be getting rid of the excess fluid, dropping fluid like this makes me a bit concerned for the electrolyte levels. Hopefully, they are okay, or at least not worse than last time. Potassium needs to be between 3.5-4.5, last time it was 3.3, so not going to cause problems at that point...but dropping lower-especially past 3.0 would not be good.
Well, that is all for now.
Yes, I have come to the conclusion that this really isn't just a little passing thing. This is several weeks now of things, yes, it is better on some days than others, but overall...especially as it did not improve with finishing assignments. A lot of the time, I am spending feeling on the brink of tears, but I can never really cry and let things loose which might help. Sometimes, I feel like I cried myself out in high school. During my mom's illness, I often listened to the same songs on repeat on my MP3 player in bed while writing in my journal and doing the same thing-only slightly crying. The main songs I played on repeat included:
Come to Jesus-the recording that I have is actually sung by one of my close guy friend's mom...who is an alto in the Concert Choir that I sing in. BUT...I didn't realize that she was the singer on the cd until this year. This is what happens when someone decides to go by their maiden name, but their children (naturally) take on their father's name. She is a wonderful woman though, and I appreciate her support. Plus, my joke is that if something ever happens to me in choir, I have pretty much the best resource possible: An ER dr who knows a good chunk of my medical history!
Be thou my vision-the wind ensemble recording that I was part of at IMC 2007.
Colours and Contrasts of Grief-recorded with NYB 2009. My parents actually drove out 8 hours to come hear one of my concerts with NYB 2009. It meant a lot to me. If only I had known that just a few months later (NYB is always in May) my mom wouldn't even be able to walk up the stairs in our house...Listening to Colours and Contrasts of Grief was almost 'pregrieving' I guess.
Gabriel's Oboe from the soundtrack to The Mission.
Amazing Grace-as recorded by my high school's band. Although, not a band that I was a part of.
On a Hymnsong of Philip Bliss-again, same as before.
...and a few others...although I honestly can't remember them right now. Needless to say, however, I'm sure that if it was a cd, I would have worn it down to nothing.
Tomorrow, I have at least one and hopefully two appointments. I see the dietician tomorrow at 9am...well, slightly after 9am as I have to phone my doctor's office and see if I can get in tomorrow. I really need to get my bloodwork done-electrolytes, iron, hemoglobin and RBC, blood sugar...
The blood sugar part means that I have to fast. Not that difficult on the food part, but not being able to have any tea!
I have a not-so-great feeling about the potassium levels, because after gaining 3 pounds in 4 days, today has been complete overdrive from my kidneys, meaning that I could easily be dropping the levels without trying. Gaining 3 pounds in 4 days means that for whatever reason, I was retaining quite a bit of fluid. It's really hard on an ED person-present or past-to suddenly gain weight like that though. My logical brain says that it was probably almost entirely water, if not entirely-especially as one of the days was quite a restrictive day-but the ED brain goes FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT. Pretty much in caps too! That is how an ED brain works. It is certainly not a logical brain. Sometimes, separating things makes me feel slightly-if not completely-schizophrenic. While I am happy to be getting rid of the excess fluid, dropping fluid like this makes me a bit concerned for the electrolyte levels. Hopefully, they are okay, or at least not worse than last time. Potassium needs to be between 3.5-4.5, last time it was 3.3, so not going to cause problems at that point...but dropping lower-especially past 3.0 would not be good.
Well, that is all for now.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Romanian Folk Dances-Bartok
So, this is the Romanian Folk Dances...we obviously played an arrangement for Flute and Guitar, but it worked out well. Actually, the third movement, I played on piccolo!
Choir Concert
Tonight was the final choir concert for this university year. It went pretty well, all things considered. The dress rehearsal was a bit hard on me, and more than once I did squat down, under the premise of having some water...which worked. If only my positions for breathing didn't look so strange. But for the actual concert it was pretty much okay. And yesterday's Chamber Ensemble recital went pretty well...my guitarist and I played two movements of a Diabelli work, and then Bartok's Romanian Dances. I ended up getting a bit nervous in the 5th and 6th movements, but was able to recover pretty quickly, and it ended okay, although my last note was shorter than I would have liked (just not enough air). Of course, I was slightly frustrated/irritated with E, my guitarist as I was dressed in all black, and he was wearing a black shirt, black shoes...and JEANS. It bothered me, to say the least. This was a formal event, even if there were very few in the audience, and you should take the time to put on black pants...which I know he has. Definitely know, as he was wearing them tonight at the choir concert.
My workload before the end of the semester is now down to: Two papers (neither of which are the length that the previous ones have been...one is 3-5 pages, the other is 2500 words), one jury and one exam.
Now, I really should practice, although I am tired, and really should also go to bed...I slept in until 10:50 this morning. Yikes. Means that I slept nine hours...I fell asleep last night about five minutes before the episode of I dream of Jeannie that I was watching on my computer in bed finished. Lols. Yes, my computer is now playing cds and dvds again. I didn't do anything to it, but maybe something just sort of sorted itself out. I'm not complaining though, as it is both a useful thing, and an entertaining thing to have that working.
My workload before the end of the semester is now down to: Two papers (neither of which are the length that the previous ones have been...one is 3-5 pages, the other is 2500 words), one jury and one exam.
Now, I really should practice, although I am tired, and really should also go to bed...I slept in until 10:50 this morning. Yikes. Means that I slept nine hours...I fell asleep last night about five minutes before the episode of I dream of Jeannie that I was watching on my computer in bed finished. Lols. Yes, my computer is now playing cds and dvds again. I didn't do anything to it, but maybe something just sort of sorted itself out. I'm not complaining though, as it is both a useful thing, and an entertaining thing to have that working.
Friday, March 30, 2012
A good day :)
A good day...
...having my special oatmeal blend cooked up in containers in the fridge so that all I have to do is pop it in the microwave for breakfast
...not fainting during the presentation on Fluxus even though I was in a bit of an episode (don't get me wrong on this, presenting does not really make me nervous, especially not in a group presentation. I actually really enjoy public speaking, which is strange from this former-shy girl and still quite a bit of a introvert)
...getting a notebook and notecards (sigh, this was exciting. Can you tell I'm a die-hard nerd? Although, the notebook was for my practice journal for piano...)
...green tea...lots of it. Also chocolate-vanilla soy milk.
...sparkly shoes. I bought two pairs of sparkly flats on sale at Payless. In addition to the running shoes that I really did need. My friend C. has corrupted me into the sparkly shoe world. Pink sparkly shoes and white sparkly shoes. Both flats. I love flats!
...a nice talk with one of my flute friends, even if she was tired and we didn't dig into anything on either parts.
...not having philosophy, which enabled me to do the highest point of my day which was
GOING TO THE GYM!!!!!!!!!! For the first time since November!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, the signs of being sick were very evident. I've taken breaks about this long before, but never with such deteriorating results. In early November, I was running 3-4 miles, pretty much straight running, and pretty fast. Now, I can't even jog 1 mile. But I still did two miles of jogging/walking/ brief bits of slower-than-my-old normal-running. And I lifted some weights and did some crunches. I'm down to 5 pound weights, but it's better than nothing. And this is a far, far cry from December, when I could hardly lift my tea mug and putting in a load of laundry would finish me for the day. I still often have to stop on stairs if I'm in a breathing episode, but going to the gym if I'm NOT in a breathing episode works.
Nothing yet from the internal medicine specialist. I see my dietician on tuesday and I am also going to book an appointment with my family doctor for that day if I can, to go get my electrolyte levels and what-not checked...and maybe start some treatment for SOMETHING, whether it is heart, or whether we try some inhalers and see if that makes any difference. Otherwise, I am going to have to defer my jury, because there is no way of knowing if I will be in an episode at that point or not, and if I AM, then I will NOT play anywhere near the way I can when I am NOT in a breathing episode. Oye. I went from a high to a low in a few seconds! Okay, I'll end on a high note...
Block Two of Sunrise starts tomorrow! Smiles :)
...having my special oatmeal blend cooked up in containers in the fridge so that all I have to do is pop it in the microwave for breakfast
...not fainting during the presentation on Fluxus even though I was in a bit of an episode (don't get me wrong on this, presenting does not really make me nervous, especially not in a group presentation. I actually really enjoy public speaking, which is strange from this former-shy girl and still quite a bit of a introvert)
...getting a notebook and notecards (sigh, this was exciting. Can you tell I'm a die-hard nerd? Although, the notebook was for my practice journal for piano...)
...green tea...lots of it. Also chocolate-vanilla soy milk.
...sparkly shoes. I bought two pairs of sparkly flats on sale at Payless. In addition to the running shoes that I really did need. My friend C. has corrupted me into the sparkly shoe world. Pink sparkly shoes and white sparkly shoes. Both flats. I love flats!
...a nice talk with one of my flute friends, even if she was tired and we didn't dig into anything on either parts.
...not having philosophy, which enabled me to do the highest point of my day which was
GOING TO THE GYM!!!!!!!!!! For the first time since November!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, the signs of being sick were very evident. I've taken breaks about this long before, but never with such deteriorating results. In early November, I was running 3-4 miles, pretty much straight running, and pretty fast. Now, I can't even jog 1 mile. But I still did two miles of jogging/walking/ brief bits of slower-than-my-old normal-running. And I lifted some weights and did some crunches. I'm down to 5 pound weights, but it's better than nothing. And this is a far, far cry from December, when I could hardly lift my tea mug and putting in a load of laundry would finish me for the day. I still often have to stop on stairs if I'm in a breathing episode, but going to the gym if I'm NOT in a breathing episode works.
Nothing yet from the internal medicine specialist. I see my dietician on tuesday and I am also going to book an appointment with my family doctor for that day if I can, to go get my electrolyte levels and what-not checked...and maybe start some treatment for SOMETHING, whether it is heart, or whether we try some inhalers and see if that makes any difference. Otherwise, I am going to have to defer my jury, because there is no way of knowing if I will be in an episode at that point or not, and if I AM, then I will NOT play anywhere near the way I can when I am NOT in a breathing episode. Oye. I went from a high to a low in a few seconds! Okay, I'll end on a high note...
Block Two of Sunrise starts tomorrow! Smiles :)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
First Semester=Finished
Yes, yesterday at 4:27 pm, I finished first semester. Long story short, I stayed up all night, worked through most of the day on this paper on Carmen, which really ended up being not very good, but it is in. I hope that it at least gets marked, so that the incomplete grade gets changed. Just about anything is better than having an F I sitting on my transcript messing up my GPA.
Was it incredibly stupid of me to pull an all-nighter? Physically, YES, absolutely I should never have done that. Academically...well...
I survived. Actually, it was pretty much the least difficult all-nighter I've done (and I haven't done that many), for whatever reason. Whenever I have done all-nighters, I don't really get tired until the evening, say 6 or 7pm...which was the same for this one...which meant that I could hardly stand up in choir and was swaying a bit more, but I pushed through it and was fine. Mostly, doing an all-nighter for me feels a bit flu-ish. I typically won't want to eat until the evening, so I really couldn't have green tea yesterday. Until almost choir, I subsisted on some dry cheerios and diet 7up while battling shaking, chills and hot flashes. Fortunately, I was able to eat some real food-pasta with sauce-before choir, and drank two bottles of low-calorie vitamin water so I wasn't as likely to faint. Lack of sleep combined with some postural hypo-tension, combined with low blood sugar sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! I think part of the reason that it wasn't as rough of an all-nighter, despite the fact that the night before I got less than 5 hours of sleep, is that I am at such a low dose of seroquel, and therefore wasn't having any seroquel withdrawl effects (which include stomach pain and nausea which has previously happened when I have had to do an all-nighter in the past and the next day when I was catsitting at my sister's place and forgot my seroquel). Plus, I was more careful and didn't eat anything heavy, like I did in December when I had kashi high-protein cereal with milk. I think that was probably what did me in the last time.
And I was sensible and slept for 9.5 hours last night. I think I am going to go to bed relatively soon now, so that I can be up and productive for tomorrow morning, and feel confident about my group presentation on Fluxus (type it into Wikipedia, it is fascinating, but I don't feel like explaining it now).
It was pouring rain today, and really damp and cold, so I am hopeful that tomorrow will be nicer. I am also going to attempt to go to the gym tomorrow after my 20th century class, so I hope that goes well! I MISS RUNNING!!!!!
Was it incredibly stupid of me to pull an all-nighter? Physically, YES, absolutely I should never have done that. Academically...well...
I survived. Actually, it was pretty much the least difficult all-nighter I've done (and I haven't done that many), for whatever reason. Whenever I have done all-nighters, I don't really get tired until the evening, say 6 or 7pm...which was the same for this one...which meant that I could hardly stand up in choir and was swaying a bit more, but I pushed through it and was fine. Mostly, doing an all-nighter for me feels a bit flu-ish. I typically won't want to eat until the evening, so I really couldn't have green tea yesterday. Until almost choir, I subsisted on some dry cheerios and diet 7up while battling shaking, chills and hot flashes. Fortunately, I was able to eat some real food-pasta with sauce-before choir, and drank two bottles of low-calorie vitamin water so I wasn't as likely to faint. Lack of sleep combined with some postural hypo-tension, combined with low blood sugar sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! I think part of the reason that it wasn't as rough of an all-nighter, despite the fact that the night before I got less than 5 hours of sleep, is that I am at such a low dose of seroquel, and therefore wasn't having any seroquel withdrawl effects (which include stomach pain and nausea which has previously happened when I have had to do an all-nighter in the past and the next day when I was catsitting at my sister's place and forgot my seroquel). Plus, I was more careful and didn't eat anything heavy, like I did in December when I had kashi high-protein cereal with milk. I think that was probably what did me in the last time.
And I was sensible and slept for 9.5 hours last night. I think I am going to go to bed relatively soon now, so that I can be up and productive for tomorrow morning, and feel confident about my group presentation on Fluxus (type it into Wikipedia, it is fascinating, but I don't feel like explaining it now).
It was pouring rain today, and really damp and cold, so I am hopeful that tomorrow will be nicer. I am also going to attempt to go to the gym tomorrow after my 20th century class, so I hope that goes well! I MISS RUNNING!!!!!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
March
March is a difficult month for university students. I think that's pretty much the only way to sum things up! I actually ended up crying at the end of my lesson on monday...I am just so tired of this! My flute instructor felt so bad then, because not only had I started to break down there, but my friend M. had in masterclass just the hour previously! Poor L...
I think the best way to describe it would be "Super Spontaneous Tears Over Nothing".
Tonight, it is time to torture myself. Meaning that I HAVE GOT TO FINISH THIS PAPER ON CARMEN for tomorrow afternoon. Or else I get an F in the course. Not exactly wanting that. This is what happens when the professor makes the paper worth 55% of your grade...
Am I concerned? Yes, I am. Quite. Concerned that I won't get it finished, yes. Concerned that if I do get it finished, it will be in extreme detriment to other things, yes. Like my health. If you recall, the last time I had to work very long hours on a paper, back in December, it kind of messed things up a bit, and was only a few days before the gigantic mess-up. I am concerned that I might have to miss classes to finish this, and with 20th century, I have missed five classes already. So, two of theme were medical appointments, one was music festival, one I was sick (I really was, but not quite in the way that Professor S perhaps thought I was), and then the other one was a combination of mattress-over-mind and studying for philosophy of music because I'd been so messed up and perfectionist-procrastination over it. I also don't want to miss choir, I don't want to miss figuring out presentation stuff with my fellow presenters for friday...
What I want to do is get this paper finished, and not become ill from doing it. The problem is, I don't think I can have it both ways...
I think the best way to describe it would be "Super Spontaneous Tears Over Nothing".
Tonight, it is time to torture myself. Meaning that I HAVE GOT TO FINISH THIS PAPER ON CARMEN for tomorrow afternoon. Or else I get an F in the course. Not exactly wanting that. This is what happens when the professor makes the paper worth 55% of your grade...
Am I concerned? Yes, I am. Quite. Concerned that I won't get it finished, yes. Concerned that if I do get it finished, it will be in extreme detriment to other things, yes. Like my health. If you recall, the last time I had to work very long hours on a paper, back in December, it kind of messed things up a bit, and was only a few days before the gigantic mess-up. I am concerned that I might have to miss classes to finish this, and with 20th century, I have missed five classes already. So, two of theme were medical appointments, one was music festival, one I was sick (I really was, but not quite in the way that Professor S perhaps thought I was), and then the other one was a combination of mattress-over-mind and studying for philosophy of music because I'd been so messed up and perfectionist-procrastination over it. I also don't want to miss choir, I don't want to miss figuring out presentation stuff with my fellow presenters for friday...
What I want to do is get this paper finished, and not become ill from doing it. The problem is, I don't think I can have it both ways...
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