Update

Yes, a long time since I wrote anything.

A lot has happened.

Mostly, I have been busy teaching. Some practising. Lots of lessons.

Teaching is good. I love it.

December happens. Some of my students I now will not see until January 7th, the last day I am teaching in 2013 is December 21st. I have had my last piano, guitar, and voice lessons for 2013.

More people I know have died. I am ready for 2013 to be over with. Six funerals in a year (and more I somewhat felt obligated to go to but didn't) is too much for someone who is only 23.

Three friends have lost parents this year. Two lost their fathers, one lost their mom. Well, three friends MY AGE. I'm not counting the loss of some dear older (people in their fifties +) friends' parents. Which did happen. More than once.

The biggest change recently is that I am now in the process of the protocol for egg retrieval. The first part is regulating my cycle via birth control pill for approximately three months. I started that protocol last sunday.

And I HATE IT. I HATE the pill, *Marvelon* that I am on. My emotions have been across the board. Yesterday, I spent an hour and a half in a row crying. Last wednesday, I couldn't stop smiling to focus for fifteen minutes during my voice lesson. Now, I do enjoy my voice lessons. But I *SHOULD* be able to control myself. It bothered me almost as much as the crying.

I feel like I am fourteen, when I was going through a bought of teenage depression/mood swings. Not knowing why I'm crying, or smiling. Feeling like the world is ending for no particular reason, or over a very small reason. More difficulty concentrating.

I know I'm not alone. I have yet to find much positive about Marvelon online. Most women write about how horrible they felt while on it, even if other birth control pills were fine. Many call it 'antiquated'. So WHY ON EARTH IS IT THE ONE THAT IS USED IN FERTILITY TREATMENT? That I have yet to find out.

It has been so bad the past week and a half that I am going to be putting a phone call into the clinic tomorrow to ask about my options. As much as I dislike the idea of going up on my seroquel or imipramine, I dislike the idea of staying this emotional, not-very-functional-wreck even more. Random thoughts of "I hate myself", "Everyone disapproves of me and is disappointed in me", "My students are going to quit", "I'll never get into my next university", "I'll never graduate with the degrees I want", "Why did I sign up for a flute exam, I'll never be ready", and more keep going through my head. Most have very little basis in reality, and the ones that have even the slightest really aren't THAT bad. Sometimes students quit. Yes, my advisor, the registrar and the associate dean probably are disappointed that I haven't finished the paper but I have that magic third chance and I WILL MAKE IT WORK. My guess is that they probably are wondering what is going on with me...perhaps concerned. I hope that that is the way they are choosing to look at things.

To be honest, giving myself injections for up to two weeks, and enduring vaginal ultrasounds (the wand is too big for me...) everyday seems preferable to this insane Marvelon.

GAH. Marvelon, I HATE YOU.