Sharing and not hiding

I've shared how over the past three and a half years my friend B has become one of my closest friends. Tonight, I took a huge step, and talked to B about one of my two biggest, largest, hardest 'secrets'. The fact that I was hospitalized for my severe depression/anxiety and that I had attempted suicide (however feeble) in front of my dad. The last people that I told about that were N and D...who are some of my eating disorder friends, although N does play piano and used to be at the faculty with me (though I didn't get to know her that well until after she went back in the hospital, strange how that works). Actually...I'm not even sure that N and D know as much as B does now. D probably doesn't, and I'm not sure I even went into as much detail about things being right in front of my dad with N. I'm not sure exactly how we even got onto the topic...but I felt that urge that I've felt for many months now, probably since May or June that I could, and really should, let B know about things.

Ah yes...B was telling me about how inspirational I was to her, I was doing our usual "Right back at you" because seriously, my friend B is amazing. She mentioned that she could hardly talk about me to her boyfriend J without raving...

And I mentioned that really, some days I feel like breaking. She reminded me that if that ever happened, that my dad, my sister, she, and many others would be there to "hold [my] pieces until I found the strength to gather myself" (How can anyone not love someone who says this stuff?!)

And then I felt led to write:

"I've never told anyone at the university what really happened to me at the end of grade 12"
"I think it's time".

When B responded "When the time feels right, it's the right time", I knew it was right.

And over the course of almost an hour, I let my friend into the past...the past that sometimes isn't so easy to forget.

My friends K and M have learned a bit about me. Surprisingly, K knows about my eating disorder struggles. I've been relatively open with my university crew and my flute teacher that I've been seeing a dietician, although I haven't revealed WHY exactly. I debate for months or even years about letting someone into my life more fully. When I'm opening up, it's always been through Facebook chat-with K, M and B. Actually with N as well (D I met in group, so that was different). Face to face is harder, although probably better in the long run. But getting things out, sharing at all...

For me, that's pretty incredible.

Maybe there is strength in sharing. Sharing, and not hiding.

My MYC coordinator today mentioned just how surprised she had been when S (my piano teacher, and a fellow MYC teacher) let her know that my mom had died. When I had done the training, I had just seemed like a normal young woman interested in becoming an MYC teacher. We got onto this topic because I mentioned that "We don't always know the story behind what's going on", and I related that my wind ensemble director found out ONE day before...this despite seeing me several times a week for nearly three years prior, being in the small faculty etc etc. And that's someone that saw me OFTEN, talked to MANY people who knew EXACTLY what was going on, saw me crying and hardly able to breath right before wind ensemble a few weeks previous. So naturally, I know that I can no longer assume ANYTHING.

I feel worn out now though. Not to mention that training is a long day. Time for bed. I'm crying a bit, but it's a combination of relief, sadness, weakness, friendship/love, grief at missing my mom, confusion over life (I would love to still have my mom in my life, but then my dad wouldn't be enjoying life with K-his girlfriend-now...talk about a confusing paradox) and a bazillion more emotions.

More training tomorrow. And THIS time, I will get off at the right bus stop! But that is a story for another day...