Sad sunday

Sometimes, I almost think I feel certain things before they happen. Today I woke up VERY tired even though I slept for 9 hours. Not a great way to start the day. I knew I needed to go down to the university to get started on my research for my Major Area Paper, and to be honest, I was just not wanting to face the church congregation that much today. A great congregation, but I was already feeling closed in and shut down and upset and couldn't really think why except for being so tired when I got up and that it was kind of gloomy and cold out this morning, as compared to yesterday's balmy (for September) 28 degrees! But at least I was able to get my room tidied up a bit, although I moved slower than normal...when things get worse, my usual absolutely clean to a fault room tends to gather things. I just get feeling too tired to deal with anything even if it's as simple as hanging up my clean laundry. Instead it will end up piled on top of my desk or my knitting basket, that type of thing. I did manage to make it down to the university (even with the wonders of sunday public transit), but was in the type of state where I felt like the slightest thing would start me crying. Again, I couldn't understand why.

It wasn't until I got home and got a couple of things done, like moving the filing cabinet from the storage room into my music studio, and scanning and emailing some notes for a classmate in my History of the Soviet Union course that I got a little bit of energy and feeling-human-ness back. I even got myself registered for some of the psychology stuff that is a part of my Intro to Psych course-some research experiments and registering my textbook online for additional resources. Even voted for a fellow student who made it to the top 10 in CBC's "Over the Rainbow" program.

However...I received an email around 11 tonight that made me turn completely back to that emotional state...I wrote earlier that my flute teacher's father, who is the exact same age as my dad, was quite ill, which is why my flute teacher and her husband had been called back to their home province. Well, things had started to look back up and they were scheduled to fly out on friday...but he then took a turn for the worse again, and now the doctors are really giving no hope. Hours to days.

ALL the emotions that I felt with my mom's illness and death are coming back up. I know just how much pain my flute teacher-my friend-is going through. A pain that no one should have to go through. My dad is 63, her dad is 63...

My mom's birthday is coming up very soon too, September 20th. It makes me miss all the more. She would be, SHOULD be turning 56.

Sometimes, in teaching my MYC classes, I miss her. MYC classes were, for YEARS something that my mom and I did together. Five years in fact. Seeing my little Sunshine Ones cuddling up with their moms during class...well...those memories can bring me both joy and sadness. My classes on saturday involved singing a song called "Fingers Dancing"...well, my mom really liked that particular song from the program. Or perhaps we just sang it a lot. Either way...I have memories of her singing it YEARS past my graduation. So, for some reason on this particular saturday it was a little bit triggering. But I obviously couldn't do anything except carry on with my lesson plan and keep on with the class. And the moment passed, but still remains in my brain.

Later today I am going dress shopping with the mom of one of my closest friends from junior high/high school. Dress shopping for a wedding! At least something very positive to put my brain to.