This is a feeling, this will pass (eventually)

It's a phrase that people with eating disorders often have to say to themselves (mentally or occasionally even aloud) FREQUENTLY. Right now, it's playing through my mind, with less success than I would like to see. My brain is panicking over the smoothie, when it contained oh, 1 banana, 2/3 cup unsweetened almond milk and about 2/3 cup blueberries. It's the banana, really, that does it for me. Bananas aren't 'safe'. I'll blame that one on all the ads that show up online titled things like "5 foods never to eat" and they show a banana. Whatever the case, my brain is panicking, making my stomach feel fat, putting me into a tailspin. Complete, utter tailspin. It's the feeling of wanting to run about 100 miles yet being rooted to the floor. The only crazy thing in all of this is that although my breathing is faster, it's normal. No feeling of lacking oxygen. So, while my brain is in anguish, my body is at peace. Sigh.

I've been realizing that I need to book a doctor's appointment, just with my primary care doctor. For one thing, she's going to expect me to need a new prescription soon (actually, a month or so back), and I really should explain that I lowered the dose of seroquel, but I'm nervous to. I've tried upping the dose, but I can't get past the break-through crazy amounts of sleep. Sure, they probably would stop...eventually. But eventually is too much of a waiting game for me at this stage. Even in the summer, I have lots of things to do, like phone contacts from the last marketing event. Making phone calls is really hard for me to do. There are only a handful of people that I am comfortable phoning, and even then it's still a put-it-off game. This handful includes my current flute teacher, my most recent past flute teacher, my piano teacher, my accompanists, my ICM and well, that's about it now that one of my friends that I was in more communication on the phone with now communicates mostly online with me. If someone else phones me, that's totally okay. If someone phones me asking about MYC, then I am VERY excited and happy to talk with them, but me initiating that phone call-even though they have asked to speak with a teacher from their area-is difficult. It is a bit of a social phobia.

I should end with something positive, so I'll say that I catalogued all the major vocal scores in this house today, amongst them numerous copies of Handel's Messiah (various different publishers). Okay, so that isn't so crazy positive, but I like organizing. Plus, my living room floor is covered in various stacks of music, so doing three piles of scores was something.