It seems that whenever things pile up just a little bit too much with my university coursework, I will end up online reading up on the heart. In just over a month, I come up to the day when I first felt that something was up. I didn't realize it at the time, I felt that perhaps I had a small virus, was reacting to the stress of a paper. But it kept continuing, and it didn't act like stress or a virus. And it has been exactly 10 months since I first heard the words "You have a heart murmur, did you know that?". The words that sent part of my life in an entirely new direction.
This time of year too brings about really challenging memories, reinforced this time around by my flute teacher's rough month of September with the death of her father (at age 63, the same age as my dad...). October 5th was the anniversary of my grandma's death, and although sad, we could hardly stop to think. I did go to bed that night-it was a tuesday night-with the soundtrack from "The Mission" playing on my MP3 player, and did cry as I was falling asleep after writing in my journal. But the situation with my mom was so tenuous at that point. On October 4th, my mom was given 3 months to live. It turned out to be less than one month. I don't remember any part of the orchestra rehearsal that day, but I do remember getting picked up by my dad and getting the news. I remember the wind ensemble retreat that was either two days before then or five days after, something like that. I honestly don't remember which day. Daily, it is hard to believe that it is almost two years since my mom died. That it has been more than two years since she was last in this house. I'm thinking about getting my hair cut next weekend, and it's hard. I haven't had my haircut since before my mom was diagnosed. She was just starting to get sick then, it was in September of 2009. When I was still innocent in the ways of the world. Before I could read oncology-and now cardiology-reports. Before I knew exactly what someone the day that they die of cancer smells like. I say that because the smells of that hospital room are etched in my memory just as surely as the sight of the hospital gown, the blue emesis bins, and the recliner that didn't actually recline very well. The colours of the four shawls that I worked on during the month of October and the first two days of November of 2010. How my friend C's little girl A was diagnosed with type one diabetes right at the same time that my mom entered the hospital for the last time (and whose wedding I was privileged to attend last weekend!!!! definitely a highlight of my year so far!).
The title of this post comes from my four 'normal' courses. I say normal, because I also have my major area paper, however, that is not taking precedence right now unfortunately. I have my first Intro to Psych midterm on wednesday, and my first paper due for History of the Soviet Union on thursday. Do I feel like I'm at my breaking point? Just about, but oddly enough, the phrase "Just keep swimming" has been going through my head even though it's certainly not one I've used before. Well, back to the Psych textbook. I still have a full chapter to read, and it's a slow going book. I wanted to get it done before going to bed, but I'm not sure that is the smartest idea. I've really tried to get a 'decent' amount of sleep this semester so far, and it is HARD because the old habits are there, and I just can't function without getting sleep. It's a form of grief and extreme frustration to know that if I try to do like I did last year, I will just get sick, quite possibly more sick than last time. Last time, I lucked out in many ways (which I'm not going to go into now-that's for another post). Should I not take care of myself, I don't think I'd be so lucky.
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