Mother's Day

The past week or so leading up to mother's day has been hard for me. Several nights I have actually dreamed about my mom. Many of the dreams included her very sick, but one included her healthy...like she was during my first year of university, only I was the age I am now. I've spent a lot of the past week or two in that state of wanting to go to bed all day, looking forward to it, but then when I get to bed, afraid to close my eyes and sleep, even if I am exhausted because of the seroquel and whatever else is going on. It's a careful balancing act of which book I should read until I cannot keep my eyes open any further or whether I should watch an episode of Bewitched or I dream of Jeannie on Youtube (my dvd/cd player on my computer is messed up...again...) and hope that it tires me out enough. A very riveting book that I was reading this past week I unfortunately couldn't read right before bed, because it made me dream that I was a murderer...so, not exactly good news for needing pleasant sleep! 

We had a display of pictures of "People who mothered us" at church today. I found a picture taken when I was just shy of two weeks old, of my mom and I. I am presuming that I was that age, because we are all dressed up, me in this tiny little red lacy dress and a pair of knitted booties and my mom in a navy suit, and I know that my parents only missed one sunday church service after I was born...and I was born on a tuesday. My guess is that they probably took pictures of that special day, my first time going to church. There are pictures of my dad and I on that day as well, but I'm asleep in them. For the one with my mom, I am awake. It is one of just a handful of pictures of just my mom and I, and despite the fact that I'm sure she didn't find it a flattering picture, given that it was summer and hot and she had given birth only two weeks previous (think swollen legs made worse with the angle of the camera, exhausted looking eyes, and a slight hint of a double chin due to water and baby weight gain), it is very special to me. What I see in the picture is love, and a great sense of joy and pride. And as the baby in the picture, all there is in my eyes is a sense of security...as there should be.