Survival

Survival was, for the most part, the name of the game today. I did go up to the columbarium this morning, pretty early, I got there before 8am. It was quite cold out, and I accidently got off the bus a stop too soon, so I had longer to walk. In total, I was outside for more than half an hour in -5 celsius weather, in mostly-darkness. And, I guess I really wasn't dressed that well for it. I should have worn big warm mitts instead of my little black mini-gloves and perhaps a hat. My feet were quite cold too by the time I got on the bus to go downtown. I did have a bit of a crying fest, but I expected it. Also a minor mild panic when I realized that two members of my church (they live very close to the church-basically behind it) were coming down the street. Now, these are very wonderful people, who have been an important part of our church, and my life, for all of my life, BUT, I did not want anyone to see me or talk to me right then. This was my time alone with 'my mom'. Thankfully, they either did not see me, or they saw me and realized that it wouldn't be good to interact with me. I hope they do not mention at any point.

Like I posted before, it was the first time I had been there since her internment last November 5th. Seeing the plaque with her dates posted made it 'real' again. I talked a bit out loud, it was quite strange, but I have the feeling that if I go again, it'll be easier and more natural. My post on facebook today mentioned that at times it feels like it was yesterday and at other times it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

I managed to be okay on the buses to school, which is good, I had enough crying on the public city bus last November 2nd (when, of all days, my bus took 45 minutes longer than it should to get me back up to my end of the city). I wasn't very productive when I got to the university around 9:30 in the morning, but perhaps I really just needed some time to talk on a superficial level with some friends in the lounge. Can't really remember what we were talking about, although I did show a couple of pictures that I managed to find of my mom and I...it was surprisingly hard to find pictures of just the two of us. All I could find was one from when I was about 1 month old, and then one from when I was 5 at Christmas time. I guess being child number two, there are fewer pictures! At least those two are good.

I didn't feel very well for much of the day, starting around 12:30 in recital. I was really tired, and tried to get comfortable to just close my eyes and enjoy the music ( I cannot sleep sitting up so that was not an issue), but my head and neck just couldn't get comfortable, and then a headache started, and I began having cold/hot flashes, where I would have a violent shiver, and then a hot flash directly after. Not so much fun. I definitely was not in the mood for eating today, although I managed to do so. Food just wasn't very appealing is all. I had sectional at 2:30. I should clarify that sectional is when the flutes of Wind Ensemble get together on their own (no conductor or anything) for about an hour once a week and work through specific aspects of the pieces we are playing or even just things like tuning and blending together. Plus, it's a good time to interact a bit and keep our friendships solid. I feel very blessed that in general, all of the flutes in the faculty get along well together, and really support one another. Well, yesterday, one of my fellow flautists and friends found out that her grandma was very sick (she ended up leaving Wind Ensemble rehearsal early to go see her). When her phone rang in sectional, I knew before I saw the tears that her grandma had died. So, November 2nd was a sad day for her as well. I guess we're kind of supporting each other in this, although it is kind of hard right now to be really there for people, because I am feeling well, needy myself right now.

I'm feeling a bit better now, physically at least. No more headache, and I am not shivering/flashing. I did take some tylenol in the afternoon, so perhaps that helped. I didn't have a fever (if anything, I was under...only 97.9), so I'm not sure what exactly was going on. Perhaps it was just a stress reaction. I guess I'm just feeling drained overall though, but I have to complete an outline for tomorrow, plus do some lesson preparation. Sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh.

And, just a few minutes ago I saw on facebook that one of my friends had her house broken into...her laptop, and her parent's laptops were stolen, along with their chargers and other electronics. And, this is not the first time that it has happened. Not a nice situation at all. She is fortunate that all of her important files were backed up on her USB that she has at the university, but her parents were not so lucky.

I also found out that one of the children whose cancer journey I have been following on Caringbridge died today. He was two years old and had been battling leukemia for nearly all of his life. He had a bone marrow transplant from his perfect-match brother 47 days ago, and the transplant itself was successful, but then a series of other problems began. He died today in the arms of his mother, after being seperated from that experience for 40 days. So, if anyone wants to take November 2nd off of the calender, I would fully support it.

Last year on November 2nd, although I was expecting my mom to die, I was not expecting it to happen that afternoon. I had been there for about four hours in the morning when I 'had' to leave for Wind Ensemble rehearsal. To this day I still regret that I did, and yet not. It's a confusing feeling. I felt so torn up leaving, I had that feeling that I shouldn't...but pretty much every time I had left, I had had that feeling that I shouldn't. But at the same time, when something like that happens, you berate yourself for not being able to sense things better. I played through Wind Ensemble, although I don't really remember what we were playing...I do know that we were playing Appalachian Spring by Aaron Copland, which if I were to listen to it, would probably make me cry because there was a beautiful flute solo that my friend A. was playing, a long flute solo, and the mournful character always made me think about my mom. But I can't remember if we played anything else, although I am sure we did (It is a 2.5 hour long rehearsal!). The only other thing I remember about the rehearsal is my conductor (having only been informed the day before by me that my mom was about to die, and then only because I needed to reschedule my playing test) taking a second to say "If there's anything I can do". I was about half-way home when I looked at my cell phone and saw that my sister had called. I was texting a friend (who was in the hospital for bulimia treatment) and had put my phone away for a minute. I actually texted her first saying that I "thought my mom had died". It was just too much to believe, even though I knew it was true (stage one of grief...denial). THEN I phoned my sister back and I remember the exact words..."You need to come say goodbye"...I said I was on my way, and she (knowing that I had been planning to renew my driver's license that day on the way home added "You need to come straight here...she's gone". So, there I am, I know exactly the spot on the way home where the bus was when I found out. A crowded, public bus. I tried to distract myself with my book, but it was a memoir of a young man from Vietnam during the time that it fell to communism (and afterwards). So, not exactly happy stuff! And, like mentioned before that was the day when the buses took me close to twice as long to get up there. Walking into the hospital that day was pretty much the hardest thing I have ever done. And I can't begin to describe what it was like to see my mom there and then leave.

I still have the messages that people sent to me in my email inbox. Not sure why, but having them there provides comfort.

Although my brain knows that my mom is gone from this earthly life, everyday is still strange without her and it is still very difficult not to have her in my life. People say I'm strong, but right now, with an essay outline due tomorrow that I have not started, I am not feeling strong, but very weak and lazy instead. Definitely fighting against my emotions here...