Today has been a very difficult day. I keep crying...it just seems like everything is happening at once and I don't know how to get through. My mom had chemo last wednesday, the last of the four treatments before she gets the ct scan to see where we stand. The chemo itself isn't a problem, even though she has to bring home a pump for two days following the start of it at the cancer clinic. It's the crash afterwards that's the problem. This one hit her very hard. She spent pretty much all of sunday in bed, hardly even out on the couch after the morning, could hardly drink let alone eat much. This pattern continued, only on monday her stomach started to get upset as well. My dad kind of decided I guess that enough was enough, she couldn't hold out any longer and took her over to the cancer clinic to get her rehydrated. That's fine, except that then they discovered the source of some of the problems-an intestinal blockage, perhaps caused by the cancer pressing up against the large intestine. They don't know how large or really wherabouts or what else, and they've even mentioned the 's' word, of surgery, but my mom is not strong enough to withstand it-that I can almost guarantee despite my complete lack of a medical degree. This is the sickest she's been yet, even through her chest tube episode, the blood clot, the stomach spasms...
I think she's really starting to get concerned. Her mom died from cancer all throughout her digestive tract and they also found an intestinal blockage. They never knew exactly what cancer...it could very well have been the same that my mom now has. My fear is right now that my mom will not be coming home. I'm trying not to think that way, but I do wonder just how much more she can take. She's been through so much, and she's probably down to about 75 pounds again. Cancer robs a person of dignity, strength, independence, and ultimately, in many cases, their life. I love my mom, and because of that, I want what's best for her. To keep going through this much more...I can't bear the thought. Yes, I would really like my mom to be able to come hear me perform one last time, at my Oct 22nd (hopefully!) recital or at least see a video of it, but if God has other plans, I'm okay with that. As in the hymn song of Philip Bliss..."it is well in my soul". My mom is in God's hands and however much I am going to miss my mom, this is God's plan and I'm much too small as a human being to ever comprehend it.
When I came home from the hospital, I went online, hoping to find a friend that I could talk to on facebook. Well, I didn't really find anyone, but I read something that for me felt like the straw on the camel's back. My good friend "Vitoria" has a one year old daughter "Annalise". Annalise has over the past few months gotten sick a lot, but she got sick this week. Vitoria took Annalise to the doctor's, who sent them over to the hospital, where it was found that Annalise has type one diabetes. She was in the PICU for a day, and is still there recovering. When I read this I just crumbled...my heart felt like it was breaking in so many ways. Especially because Vitoria and Annalise are more than a thousand miles away from me. I felt like, how much more pain could this day give me?
Please pray for my mom to be as comfortable as possible, and if it's God's will, for the blockage to clear in a gentle way. And please pray for Vitoria as she learns about diabetes and for Annalise to grow strong and healthy again. My own prayer request for me is that I be able to find ways to manage my 'two lives'-the school/music/work life and the home/private life...living a double life is hard but I can't exactly share that much about what's going on with most people...
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I cannot think of a title, so this is it!
Basically, today was a normal tuesday. Wind ensemble, practicing, finally getting down to that 20th century assignment (which, no, I have not yet completed, but have made a good dent in and will finish after this blog), and then Ethno at 7. Ethno was definitely the highlight of today. We heard such a wide range of music, it was just breathtaking. And of course, the professor is just amazing. He is honestly one of the best teachers/professors I've had, and that's saying something because I've had many outstanding teachers. I think this course is shaping up to be my favourite since I started university!
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the head psychiatrist of the eating disorder program. To say I'm a bit apprehensive is an understatement...but, it has to be done, so might as well get it over and done with. I still haven't completed my group homework-I also need to do that. I don't have class until 11:30 tomorrow morning, so I'm going to work on both of these things tonight until they're done, and then sleep till around 9, then catch the bus at 10. Should work out, I hope. My mom also has an appointment tomorrow-more chemo. Her white cell count is back up, so it's a go. I think she was hoping to have another week off, but at least this is the last one until she gets another ct scan. Her blood tests show that one of the cancer hormone indicators isn't as high as it has been, so that COULD mean that the chemo has had an effect. We won't know until the next CT scan. There's just so much cancer in this world. Yesterday, my orchestra conductor told us that the head of the board had died, rather suddenly, from lung cancer. We hadn't even known that he was sick-it just developed over the summer and my conductor didn't known until he was told that he'd died over the weekend. When he started saying sad news and then the name, I got that hot-cold ice water rush all over. It just makes me mad sometimes how much cancer there is.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the head psychiatrist of the eating disorder program. To say I'm a bit apprehensive is an understatement...but, it has to be done, so might as well get it over and done with. I still haven't completed my group homework-I also need to do that. I don't have class until 11:30 tomorrow morning, so I'm going to work on both of these things tonight until they're done, and then sleep till around 9, then catch the bus at 10. Should work out, I hope. My mom also has an appointment tomorrow-more chemo. Her white cell count is back up, so it's a go. I think she was hoping to have another week off, but at least this is the last one until she gets another ct scan. Her blood tests show that one of the cancer hormone indicators isn't as high as it has been, so that COULD mean that the chemo has had an effect. We won't know until the next CT scan. There's just so much cancer in this world. Yesterday, my orchestra conductor told us that the head of the board had died, rather suddenly, from lung cancer. We hadn't even known that he was sick-it just developed over the summer and my conductor didn't known until he was told that he'd died over the weekend. When he started saying sad news and then the name, I got that hot-cold ice water rush all over. It just makes me mad sometimes how much cancer there is.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Happy birthday, mom.
Today is my mom's 54th birthday. And I'm certain it's her last. I guess that little bit of knowledge has been overshadowing all of my day and really making me feel more depressed than usual. That and finally connecting with the other eating disorder program-finding out that they don't have space until April, that, once again there really isn't individual and that their free counselling program that could potentially look at eating disorders has a seven month waiting list. Although, they did make me an appointment for next week with one of their doctors to see if maybe I can get accepted earlier. I'll have to wait and see. Bethany is great, but even she has encouraged me to have something else. I'm feeling like a complete mess today. It's hardly the second week of school but I'm behind on studying, practicing, readings and I have an assignment for 20th century due on wednesday. Part of the reason I've been slow on that is because it's worth more than assignments like that typically are (at least in previous courses) and I get all scared and tensed up and find it hard to start. I miss the days of my high school depression. That sounds very, very strange I know, but it was a more productive depression. My high school depression led to me piling on activities and loads of courses and spending hours and hours on homework and practicing to escape my pain. Now, that tendancy is there, except that I'm finding it very hard to get going. I think it must be the mom-factor. If my mom weren't sick, yes, I might be dealing with the depression, but I would probably be doing the escape trick. The feelings are similar-hopelessness, despair, wanting to hurt myself, more headaches, just feeling tired...but the reaction is different. That same feeling of being along in a crowded room is sure the same though. Often, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about what's going on. I sort of feel like I'm fading into the backround when I'm in so much pain and would really just like a hug....
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Weekends (and utter awkwardness)
Weekends are too short. Utterly too short. It seems that it should still be friday evening, not late sunday evening! I've hardly gotten anything done that I should have...think 20th century assignment due wednesday and a whole pile of readings that I still haven't done PLUS of course practicing. Ugh. I hate being behind when I've only had just over a week of school. Over the next two or three days I MUST catch up. That, and get started making use of my gym pass. Fortunately, for students at the university, it works out to about 15$ a month for twelve months. A little bit less, actually. Either way, it's a wonderful deal. I would finalize my schedule-as to when in general I practice, exercise, do homework...but my small ensemble rehearsal time has yet to be confirmed and I don't get the chance to sign up for practice rooms until wednesday.
A busy week coming up, that's for sure. I must remember to talk to my flute teacher at my lesson tomorrow morning about a couple of concerto competitions...and the thing closest to my heart right now, doing a small noon-hour recital this fall so that my mom will get the chance to see me perform. I hope it's possible. Nothing big, probably just Bach's sonata in E major for flute and piano, and maybe Schubert's Arpeggioni for flute. The arpeggioni is a little bit below my normal level, so it would be faster to learn. I just want to give my mom the chance to see me in recital on my own.
We went through about three boxes of things today, plus a bunch of things in one drawer. It was surprisingly fast. As a result, I now have a few pieces of jewellry, many more things have been added to the Goodwill and garage sale piles, and my sister has a lot of new-to-her pieces as well. Cleaning things out is both good, and extremely difficult...for instance, in one of the boxes, we found all the cards that were sent to my mom/her dad and brother when her mom died 21 years ago, as well as the guest register from her funeral. My mom told me to just recycle the cards and deal with the register, so I did. It felt very strange though, but given that I was literally the size of a peanut (my mom was two months pregnant with me when my grandma died) I have almost no connection. Sometimes it really makes me sad that I never knew my grandma. My mom says that in many ways, she was a lot like me. In fact, I have several of her unfinished craft projects! She also loved music, and was a very good singer who loved choirs and choral music, especially things that let her dress up in costumes. Last week, we cleaned out a bunch of those costumes. Although, granted, not all of them were originally costumes-one of them was her wedding gown, a brown lace thing that would probably have looked dreadful on her, but I think that being a teenager on the prairies in the depression probably influenced her colour inclinations.
Speaking of difficult things, I think I'll attempt my group homework before I go to bed. One of the questions I'm supposed to look at is what purpose the eating disorder served me, and whether it still serves that purpose. I wasn't able to really answer that in the group...I don't really know what purpose it was serving, whether it even was, whether it's still doing that. Maybe it is about control. I don't know. The other assignment is an 'iceberg' assignment-looking at what the world sees of the eating disorder and what is underneath (ex, world sees weight loss, vomiting after meals, exercising-underneath is need for control, intense body dissatisfaction, dysfunctional families, competition etc etc etc). Ignorance can be a big problem with eating disorders. It's growing better, but you still frequently encounter people who say things like "Why don't you just eat?" "You look gross, how can you think that looks good?" "If you're fat, then I'm morbidly obese" "How can you make yourself throw up, that's just gross"
On a funny end note, my church congregation had to be observed by someone in the session of churchs for our denomination in our city and in the report, he made a few typographical errors which we are all now teasing him about (he's my sister's pastor and a very nice man)...mainly that we are a musical congregation, led by a pair of 'sinners' instead of 'singers' and that we combine both a mixture of contemporary and traditional 'sins' instead of songs...
Oh, and the utter awkwardness...running into people who used to go to your church that you haven't seen in quite a while whilst you are searching for your size in the girls' underwear section...and then when they show up in line right behind you when the cashier is having to correct your purchase because she forgot to scan in an article of, shall we say, a very personal nature and she has another cashier over there and did I mention that this is a man we're talking about here whose wife has already gone out to the car and I'm just standing there starting to have my cheeks flame up a bit while we're trying to make small talk...I walked home thinking "Only me...only me..." Yes, I passed on the hello from them to my parents...but I didn't mention the rest!
A busy week coming up, that's for sure. I must remember to talk to my flute teacher at my lesson tomorrow morning about a couple of concerto competitions...and the thing closest to my heart right now, doing a small noon-hour recital this fall so that my mom will get the chance to see me perform. I hope it's possible. Nothing big, probably just Bach's sonata in E major for flute and piano, and maybe Schubert's Arpeggioni for flute. The arpeggioni is a little bit below my normal level, so it would be faster to learn. I just want to give my mom the chance to see me in recital on my own.
We went through about three boxes of things today, plus a bunch of things in one drawer. It was surprisingly fast. As a result, I now have a few pieces of jewellry, many more things have been added to the Goodwill and garage sale piles, and my sister has a lot of new-to-her pieces as well. Cleaning things out is both good, and extremely difficult...for instance, in one of the boxes, we found all the cards that were sent to my mom/her dad and brother when her mom died 21 years ago, as well as the guest register from her funeral. My mom told me to just recycle the cards and deal with the register, so I did. It felt very strange though, but given that I was literally the size of a peanut (my mom was two months pregnant with me when my grandma died) I have almost no connection. Sometimes it really makes me sad that I never knew my grandma. My mom says that in many ways, she was a lot like me. In fact, I have several of her unfinished craft projects! She also loved music, and was a very good singer who loved choirs and choral music, especially things that let her dress up in costumes. Last week, we cleaned out a bunch of those costumes. Although, granted, not all of them were originally costumes-one of them was her wedding gown, a brown lace thing that would probably have looked dreadful on her, but I think that being a teenager on the prairies in the depression probably influenced her colour inclinations.
Speaking of difficult things, I think I'll attempt my group homework before I go to bed. One of the questions I'm supposed to look at is what purpose the eating disorder served me, and whether it still serves that purpose. I wasn't able to really answer that in the group...I don't really know what purpose it was serving, whether it even was, whether it's still doing that. Maybe it is about control. I don't know. The other assignment is an 'iceberg' assignment-looking at what the world sees of the eating disorder and what is underneath (ex, world sees weight loss, vomiting after meals, exercising-underneath is need for control, intense body dissatisfaction, dysfunctional families, competition etc etc etc). Ignorance can be a big problem with eating disorders. It's growing better, but you still frequently encounter people who say things like "Why don't you just eat?" "You look gross, how can you think that looks good?" "If you're fat, then I'm morbidly obese" "How can you make yourself throw up, that's just gross"
On a funny end note, my church congregation had to be observed by someone in the session of churchs for our denomination in our city and in the report, he made a few typographical errors which we are all now teasing him about (he's my sister's pastor and a very nice man)...mainly that we are a musical congregation, led by a pair of 'sinners' instead of 'singers' and that we combine both a mixture of contemporary and traditional 'sins' instead of songs...
Oh, and the utter awkwardness...running into people who used to go to your church that you haven't seen in quite a while whilst you are searching for your size in the girls' underwear section...and then when they show up in line right behind you when the cashier is having to correct your purchase because she forgot to scan in an article of, shall we say, a very personal nature and she has another cashier over there and did I mention that this is a man we're talking about here whose wife has already gone out to the car and I'm just standing there starting to have my cheeks flame up a bit while we're trying to make small talk...I walked home thinking "Only me...only me..." Yes, I passed on the hello from them to my parents...but I didn't mention the rest!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
TA position!
I forgot to mention that I was succesful in getting the TA position. So, I start friday with marking basic skills papers :) Should be fun.
First lesson, first rehearsals, first classes...first group :S
I've had a difficult three days, but some things were good as well. My first flute lesson was monday morning, and that went all right. My flute teacher is pretty awesome :) Really, she deserves her own facebook appreciation club. Right now I'm pretty much just looking at Bach's Sonata for flute and piano in E major, as well as starting back on some rhythm exercises and double tounging. I haven't yet broached the subject of a possible noon-hour recital sometime this fall, but I will either by phone within the next couple of days or at my next lesson.
I then hopped on a bus down to the hospital for my three-hour torture session, er, assessment. It could have been worse, but it wasn't easy. First, I spent maybe about an hour and a half both filling out forms and answering some very challenging questions with a grad student doing her thesis on eating disorder treatment success. I hate having to put a number on things...especially things like 'how much of you wants to change such-and-such behaviour'. I REALLY dislike having to put numbers on things! And then I spoke with one of the nurses attached to the program. Fortunately, it was a lot easier to talk to her in person and she was a lot nicer in person than on the phone...In the end, it was decided that although they were concerned about my past self-harm behaviours as well as my mom's condition being a stress that I could be part of the 21-week CBT group. Now, I'm not totally sure that I'm completely ready for changes. So much of me would like to get so much 'sicker' I guess you could say. I just feel like I'm reaching my limits on having a lack of support with dealing with my mom's cancer and such, and at least this will be a place where I can deal with that...besides, I figure that if I don't try something now, it'll be at least a whole year before I can try something again. I figure that I'd rather try this while my mom is still alive than say something after christmas, when I don't think she's going to last that long.
That brings me to an update on my mom. She was supposed to get more chemo today, but her blood test on monday showed that her white blood cell count was waaaaay down, and her INR has been doing roller coaster imitations once again so she's gone from needing a vitamin k dose to being back on warfarin in only three days' time. The resident's tone was interpreted by my mom to mean that she won't be having chemo next week either. She's been getting so weak lately...I don't think that even if the ct scan shows that the chemo has helped some that she'll be able to manage more than three more chemo treatments. My dad asked me a couple of days ago if I'd read anything about how long death takes after chemo treatments stop. I didn't have an answer for him...
I had my first orchestra rehearsal on monday evening-the first time the orchestra has ever rehearsed on a day other than saturday in it's 90+ year history. For yes, my city's youth orchestra organization is one of the oldest in North America! It went all right. I'm still second flute...I've been second flute every single year in orchestra. But I do get to play piccolo and torture people :P We have a pretty well rounded orchestra-we even have at least three violas and a couple of other violins are interested in going over to the dark side. All we need is confirmation from a fellow student at my university that they'll play oboe in the orchestra and we'll be golden.
Yesterday was two other 'firsts'-first wind ensemble rehearsal and the first ethnomusicology class. Both went rather well. I really think I'm going to like ethno a lot. It's a night course, 7-10 and taught by one of THE best profs at the university. I'm so glad I could take it. Wind ensemble looks like it'll be a good group as well, and I'm looking forward to the rehearsals and recording sessions.
Today...today was my first group session. EVER. I have never actually done a group before, despite how long I've been involved in the 'system'. Let's just say that it was a challenge. It really makes me wonder if I'm ready to change things. I don't really know...
I then hopped on a bus down to the hospital for my three-hour torture session, er, assessment. It could have been worse, but it wasn't easy. First, I spent maybe about an hour and a half both filling out forms and answering some very challenging questions with a grad student doing her thesis on eating disorder treatment success. I hate having to put a number on things...especially things like 'how much of you wants to change such-and-such behaviour'. I REALLY dislike having to put numbers on things! And then I spoke with one of the nurses attached to the program. Fortunately, it was a lot easier to talk to her in person and she was a lot nicer in person than on the phone...In the end, it was decided that although they were concerned about my past self-harm behaviours as well as my mom's condition being a stress that I could be part of the 21-week CBT group. Now, I'm not totally sure that I'm completely ready for changes. So much of me would like to get so much 'sicker' I guess you could say. I just feel like I'm reaching my limits on having a lack of support with dealing with my mom's cancer and such, and at least this will be a place where I can deal with that...besides, I figure that if I don't try something now, it'll be at least a whole year before I can try something again. I figure that I'd rather try this while my mom is still alive than say something after christmas, when I don't think she's going to last that long.
That brings me to an update on my mom. She was supposed to get more chemo today, but her blood test on monday showed that her white blood cell count was waaaaay down, and her INR has been doing roller coaster imitations once again so she's gone from needing a vitamin k dose to being back on warfarin in only three days' time. The resident's tone was interpreted by my mom to mean that she won't be having chemo next week either. She's been getting so weak lately...I don't think that even if the ct scan shows that the chemo has helped some that she'll be able to manage more than three more chemo treatments. My dad asked me a couple of days ago if I'd read anything about how long death takes after chemo treatments stop. I didn't have an answer for him...
I had my first orchestra rehearsal on monday evening-the first time the orchestra has ever rehearsed on a day other than saturday in it's 90+ year history. For yes, my city's youth orchestra organization is one of the oldest in North America! It went all right. I'm still second flute...I've been second flute every single year in orchestra. But I do get to play piccolo and torture people :P We have a pretty well rounded orchestra-we even have at least three violas and a couple of other violins are interested in going over to the dark side. All we need is confirmation from a fellow student at my university that they'll play oboe in the orchestra and we'll be golden.
Yesterday was two other 'firsts'-first wind ensemble rehearsal and the first ethnomusicology class. Both went rather well. I really think I'm going to like ethno a lot. It's a night course, 7-10 and taught by one of THE best profs at the university. I'm so glad I could take it. Wind ensemble looks like it'll be a good group as well, and I'm looking forward to the rehearsals and recording sessions.
Today...today was my first group session. EVER. I have never actually done a group before, despite how long I've been involved in the 'system'. Let's just say that it was a challenge. It really makes me wonder if I'm ready to change things. I don't really know...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Yesterday was really not such a good day. Okay, the MYC thingamagig for the new military families in my city (along with about 40 other groups I think) was just fine. But the rest of the day...well...
I guess the worst part was the conversation with my dad. Or rather, at him. I guess I hit my breaking point. You see, my dad is quite overweight and is gaining weight again because he's eating for comfort I guess. What bothers me the most is the after-midnight snacks because he "doesn't feel well". Now, how eating when you don't feel well makes you feel better is beyond me, but I guess that's where we differ. Either way...I guess I just sort of lost it. Though, to be honest, my anger came out less as angry and more as sadness. I tend to cry when I'm angry. I told him that all of this really made me angry. I believe my exact words were "I'm going to lose my mom prematurely, I don't want to lose you prematurely too". In the long run, it probably was beneficial for me to say this, but it isn't easy remembering it. Truth is though that I'm VERY concerned about his health as well. It's challenging enough having one parent be very ill-for my sister and I to carry on somewhat normal lives, my dad CAN'T become seriously ill as well. Maybe that was what made me so upset yesterday, but all evening I just felt very down. All right, I'll say it clearly: DEPRESSED. I was watching dvds on my computer, trying to feel better but I couldn't even care about the cross-stitch picture that I love working on. None of my usual favourites-JAG, 18 kids and counting- seemed to help. I eventually went to bed, still the same way. Normally I write in my journal or read and listen to music on my MP3 player. I attempted to read...got one page read and practically tossed aside the book. I just felt so emotionally messed-up that all I wanted to do was just lie there in the dark and imagine nothing-ness. Fortunately, my seroquel put me to sleep rather quickly and so far today's been better. Well, somewhat at least.
My mom and I went through a bunch of things today-mostly old costumes and clothes of hers that aren't technically costumes...but because they're from the seventies or whatever, they are now! What this entailed was her lying propped up in bed and me taking things out of two closets, talking them over and then packing them away. We're going to send them to Goodwill because they have a costume section. It was a history lesson as well as a cleaning-out, because she talked about almost every article. Things like 'oh, that was the dress I wore at my high school grad' or 'that was the dress I left my wedding in'. It was good, too. I think she was ready for this-she was the one suggesting it after all. She really wants to clean out a lot of things NOW before she gets to the point where she can't do anything so that my sister and my dad and I won't have to do it without her imput. I guess it's part of her way of making it as easy for us as possible. I tend to enjoy cleaning things out, so this is good for me too. And spending time with her and hearing about family history and things is priceless. The idea of what we're doing is somewhat depressing to an outsider I guess, but I'm treasuring these moments.
Tomorrow is set to be a VERY emotionally charged day. I have my first flute lesson of the year tomorrow, and then I bus to the hospital to have a three hour intake appointment to make sure that I'm 'suitable' for the eating disorder group. After that, I'm meeting with 'Bethany' and then I head off to my first orchestra rehearsal of the year. Like I said...very emotionally charged-from great to horrible to great. I just hope that I can keep my mind on the music in orchestra and not on whatever happens during the appointment.
I guess the worst part was the conversation with my dad. Or rather, at him. I guess I hit my breaking point. You see, my dad is quite overweight and is gaining weight again because he's eating for comfort I guess. What bothers me the most is the after-midnight snacks because he "doesn't feel well". Now, how eating when you don't feel well makes you feel better is beyond me, but I guess that's where we differ. Either way...I guess I just sort of lost it. Though, to be honest, my anger came out less as angry and more as sadness. I tend to cry when I'm angry. I told him that all of this really made me angry. I believe my exact words were "I'm going to lose my mom prematurely, I don't want to lose you prematurely too". In the long run, it probably was beneficial for me to say this, but it isn't easy remembering it. Truth is though that I'm VERY concerned about his health as well. It's challenging enough having one parent be very ill-for my sister and I to carry on somewhat normal lives, my dad CAN'T become seriously ill as well. Maybe that was what made me so upset yesterday, but all evening I just felt very down. All right, I'll say it clearly: DEPRESSED. I was watching dvds on my computer, trying to feel better but I couldn't even care about the cross-stitch picture that I love working on. None of my usual favourites-JAG, 18 kids and counting- seemed to help. I eventually went to bed, still the same way. Normally I write in my journal or read and listen to music on my MP3 player. I attempted to read...got one page read and practically tossed aside the book. I just felt so emotionally messed-up that all I wanted to do was just lie there in the dark and imagine nothing-ness. Fortunately, my seroquel put me to sleep rather quickly and so far today's been better. Well, somewhat at least.
My mom and I went through a bunch of things today-mostly old costumes and clothes of hers that aren't technically costumes...but because they're from the seventies or whatever, they are now! What this entailed was her lying propped up in bed and me taking things out of two closets, talking them over and then packing them away. We're going to send them to Goodwill because they have a costume section. It was a history lesson as well as a cleaning-out, because she talked about almost every article. Things like 'oh, that was the dress I wore at my high school grad' or 'that was the dress I left my wedding in'. It was good, too. I think she was ready for this-she was the one suggesting it after all. She really wants to clean out a lot of things NOW before she gets to the point where she can't do anything so that my sister and my dad and I won't have to do it without her imput. I guess it's part of her way of making it as easy for us as possible. I tend to enjoy cleaning things out, so this is good for me too. And spending time with her and hearing about family history and things is priceless. The idea of what we're doing is somewhat depressing to an outsider I guess, but I'm treasuring these moments.
Tomorrow is set to be a VERY emotionally charged day. I have my first flute lesson of the year tomorrow, and then I bus to the hospital to have a three hour intake appointment to make sure that I'm 'suitable' for the eating disorder group. After that, I'm meeting with 'Bethany' and then I head off to my first orchestra rehearsal of the year. Like I said...very emotionally charged-from great to horrible to great. I just hope that I can keep my mind on the music in orchestra and not on whatever happens during the appointment.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
First day!
Well, my first day went off without a hitch except for the rain. I think I'm still in summer mode though, and it's a little bit concerning. Last night I thought the planets must be out of alignment because I decided to actually put on makeup! Usually, I wear makeup about two or three times a year...when I'm performing with my orchestra at the concert hall. So this was pretty unusual. But you know what? It felt pretty good, although I had to remember to avoid touching my eyes.
I only had two classes today, Music of the 20th Century and Vocal and Instrumental collaboration. 20th century music is taught this semester by the prof I had for theory one and two, so at least things were somewhat familiar. Vocal and Instrumental collaboration is with a prof I haven't had before but I've heard a lot of good things about him...including from my mom! How, you might ask? He's well enough known to be in the paper from time to time and presided over a ensemble recital that I was in this past November. One of the last times my mom and I went anywhere together, alone. She was just starting in on the testing process but it was already clear she was very ill.
My parents recently had the minister and her husband over to discuss more 'final things'. In this case, the columbarium and urns. And then that night my mom and I talked about funeral-ness. Mostly about who was likey to show up. I know that sounds pretty weird but we just suddenly started going. I was mentioning that the church was probably going to be pretty full...that most of the congregation and adherents would be there, she'd have people attached to her job, and her tai chi, my dad would have people from his area, my sister from her work and her church, my flautist crew and friends...it's a pretty small church. I have no doubt things will be pretty full...
I only had two classes today, Music of the 20th Century and Vocal and Instrumental collaboration. 20th century music is taught this semester by the prof I had for theory one and two, so at least things were somewhat familiar. Vocal and Instrumental collaboration is with a prof I haven't had before but I've heard a lot of good things about him...including from my mom! How, you might ask? He's well enough known to be in the paper from time to time and presided over a ensemble recital that I was in this past November. One of the last times my mom and I went anywhere together, alone. She was just starting in on the testing process but it was already clear she was very ill.
My parents recently had the minister and her husband over to discuss more 'final things'. In this case, the columbarium and urns. And then that night my mom and I talked about funeral-ness. Mostly about who was likey to show up. I know that sounds pretty weird but we just suddenly started going. I was mentioning that the church was probably going to be pretty full...that most of the congregation and adherents would be there, she'd have people attached to her job, and her tai chi, my dad would have people from his area, my sister from her work and her church, my flautist crew and friends...it's a pretty small church. I have no doubt things will be pretty full...
Thursday, September 9, 2010
School...Tomorrow!
It's crazy to think that school starts back for me tomorrow! I think I'm still in summer mode...
Basically, this is both a Horrah! and an oh-my-gosh-what-did-I-get-myself-into time. Of course, I doubt that tomorrow will involve much more than going over the course syllabi. All I have tomorrow is 20th century music, possible noon-time recital to attend and get credit for and then vocal and instrumental collaboration.
I should probably explain about the noon-time recitals and the credits...Most monday, wednesday and fridays, at 12:30 there is some sort of half-hour to forty-five-minute recital. It's sometimes staff, sometimes outside groups/visiting artists but more often then not, it's student recitals. Over the course of fall and winter semesters we are required to get 30 recital credits or else our major practical study grade is lowered a full letter grade (ouch to those who don't get them!). Ten recital credits can be outside credits, such as going to the opera, the symphony, the ballet, the city's jazz orchestra...you get the picture. During both first and second year I made an effort to get all my recital credits in by the end of first semester, and let me tell you, it was certainly a relief to not have that to worry about second semester this past year! I fully intend to aim for this same goal again. Some students complain about the recital credits, but the truth is that the master's students are old enough to remember when 45 recital credits were required! The faculty of music student council has effectively bargained down from 45 to 30 in only a few years. Horrah for them!
I must find my bed and my floor again...and this weekend I take things to the tailor's to be hemmed...the joys of being short. My mom used to hem all my pants, but she's simply not able to anymore. I could do the actual sewing but someone has to measure and pin and it can't be you!
And...I have to decide what to wear for my first day back!
Basically, this is both a Horrah! and an oh-my-gosh-what-did-I-get-myself-into time. Of course, I doubt that tomorrow will involve much more than going over the course syllabi. All I have tomorrow is 20th century music, possible noon-time recital to attend and get credit for and then vocal and instrumental collaboration.
I should probably explain about the noon-time recitals and the credits...Most monday, wednesday and fridays, at 12:30 there is some sort of half-hour to forty-five-minute recital. It's sometimes staff, sometimes outside groups/visiting artists but more often then not, it's student recitals. Over the course of fall and winter semesters we are required to get 30 recital credits or else our major practical study grade is lowered a full letter grade (ouch to those who don't get them!). Ten recital credits can be outside credits, such as going to the opera, the symphony, the ballet, the city's jazz orchestra...you get the picture. During both first and second year I made an effort to get all my recital credits in by the end of first semester, and let me tell you, it was certainly a relief to not have that to worry about second semester this past year! I fully intend to aim for this same goal again. Some students complain about the recital credits, but the truth is that the master's students are old enough to remember when 45 recital credits were required! The faculty of music student council has effectively bargained down from 45 to 30 in only a few years. Horrah for them!
I must find my bed and my floor again...and this weekend I take things to the tailor's to be hemmed...the joys of being short. My mom used to hem all my pants, but she's simply not able to anymore. I could do the actual sewing but someone has to measure and pin and it can't be you!
And...I have to decide what to wear for my first day back!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
WIND ENSEMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found out today that my audition was succesful and I am officially a member of the wind ensemble at my university! I was so thrilled I almost threw my spoon into the air :P However, my mom was so thrilled she started to cry. Perhaps I'll understand these things if I one day have children...
Today was a good day. Although...I did forget that my piano lessons were supposed to start tonight! Fortunately, my piano teacher has been so since I was four years old, and I'm sure she'll be very understanding. This is why I should always have an agenda book (and write things on the family calender). I only picked up my agenda book today so that may be why I had problems. All summer I basically only had to keep track of what time I started work (for which I was provided a schedule) and when my flute lessons were. Pretty much nothing else.
I'll have to stop here because our minister and her husband just arrived, and they're going to be talking about the cemetary columbarium-my mom wants me to listen.
Today was a good day. Although...I did forget that my piano lessons were supposed to start tonight! Fortunately, my piano teacher has been so since I was four years old, and I'm sure she'll be very understanding. This is why I should always have an agenda book (and write things on the family calender). I only picked up my agenda book today so that may be why I had problems. All summer I basically only had to keep track of what time I started work (for which I was provided a schedule) and when my flute lessons were. Pretty much nothing else.
I'll have to stop here because our minister and her husband just arrived, and they're going to be talking about the cemetary columbarium-my mom wants me to listen.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Poking, needles, pressure cuffs and mirrors...
What a morning! I did manage to phone my doctor's office and got an appointment for 11:50 this morning. Thus, I then couldn't eat breakfast (fasting blood test required). Now, I wouldn't care too much, but I was biking to my dentist/doctor's appointments (they're across the street from each other). It would usually take me about 30 minutes, but it took closer to 45 in part because I had less strength and in part because of the rather nasty wind. It was only about 8 degrees celsius this morning with 40km winds and so for the first time in months, I wore gloves when bike riding! What a difference from a couple of weeks ago-there's even a risk of frost overnight.
Everything in the end worked out okay though. Well, pretty much okay. My teeth and gums are all nice and healthy-no cavities, and just a tiny spot in one place on my gums that's a little bit more sensitive then it should be-but no signs of bleeding or anything like that. Horray for my obsessive dental hygeine routine with brushing, flossing and flouride mouthwash. Although my gums are nice and healthy though, I guess I was a little bit sensitive to their examination because I found it somewhat painful. The scaling (removal of tartar buildup) from my teeth wasn't painful, but it's a little bit disturbing...it always feels to me like they're going to scrape my enamel off! It still amazes me that they're scraping so much and it doesn't hurt the teeth but microscopic germs can eat through them...strange quirks of nature. My wisdom teeth are still all in bony casing which means that they probably won't erupt for at least another year, which is just fine with me. Being a flute player, the removal of wisdom teeth must be carefully planned, because it will be at least a 2-4 week recovery period before being back at top efficiency. Perhaps over the christmas break NEXT year. That's when my sister got her wisdom teeth removed (approximately), and I'm figuring that mine will probably follow about the same pattern-perhaps. I'm still holding out hope that maybe I'll have only three wisdom teeth, like my mom. The x-rays were inconclusive (they had to use the small film because my mouth is tiny and they couldn't see all of them) on the top so we just don't know yet. I really don't mind going to the dentist-the hygienists are always nice and friendly and my dentist is a very nice man with 6 or 7 children, two of them now into their teen years so he's very, very patient and always takes the time to explain things! Surprisingly, an hour at the dentist went by pretty quickly and I then headed across the street to my doctor's new office.
I had to wait awhile because I was still early, but that was okay, it gave me a little bit of time to read some more of 'Wild Geese' by Martha Ostenso. I first read it back in grade eleven as part of our literature study on the human condition-in addition to reading 1984, Fahreinheit 451 and Brave New World (reading the four gave me the opportunity to score high and I did, 39/40, just losing one mark for MLA formatting). I think it was last year when I decided that I wanted to read all those books we had to read throughout high school to really READ them and not disect them. My english teacher in high school was wonderful, and I love to read, but there's always a little bit of you that likes the book less when you HAVE to read it. Thus, when I read 1984 last winter I found it a whole lot more interesting than previously! I'm thinking it will be the same way with Wild Geese. I did get to see my doctor a little bit early, which was good because they close at 12:00 for lunch everyday and she did have to do a little bit. Actually, the lab technician had to do a lot more! My doctor took my blood pressure, which was pretty normal for me at 100/60 (small size and active lifestyle plus no alcohol, tobacco and I watch my sodium levels) and listened to my heart and lungs just to make sure. I didn't have to get weighed though! That really made me feel a lot better. Until the problems with the blood test.
Now, the lab technician is quite good. She's been there for several years and is quite friendly and skilled. I'm not blaming her at all! However...having to have I think six test tubes taken when I'd been fasting and probably hadn't had enough water to drink...and the fact that I was cold...made things more challenging. Usually we just take from my left arm-I prefer it that way so that I don't have to worry so much. But, today, the veins on my left arm didn't seem to be popping up so she decided to try my right arm. Not much better, so we put a hot towel over them to help (worked wonders when my mom got her chemo before the PICC line). It started out all right, but quickly stopped...and now I have a rather large, painful bruise right where my elbow bends. So, she moved over to the left arm and decided to use a smaller needle. In the end we got everything but it wasn't very easy...my blood just didn't seem to want to flow today and my hand was turning purple. At least that's done. Hopefully, all the tests will be okay-electrolyte levels that the hospital ED program requires, red cell count, hemaglobin/iron, vitamin d (I have a hard time absorbing it so I take 2000 iui everyday), cholesterol, liver function and blood sugar (the last three because of seroquel's possible side effects). Now we just wait. No news will be good news, I can almost guarantee that. I do know that the vitamin d test results won't be back for months (last september's results only came back in June of this year) because they are understaffed where it has to be sent. The north's curse...lack of direct sunshine for eight months...
I think I've had enough of silver-tipped sharp instruments for today though!
Everything in the end worked out okay though. Well, pretty much okay. My teeth and gums are all nice and healthy-no cavities, and just a tiny spot in one place on my gums that's a little bit more sensitive then it should be-but no signs of bleeding or anything like that. Horray for my obsessive dental hygeine routine with brushing, flossing and flouride mouthwash. Although my gums are nice and healthy though, I guess I was a little bit sensitive to their examination because I found it somewhat painful. The scaling (removal of tartar buildup) from my teeth wasn't painful, but it's a little bit disturbing...it always feels to me like they're going to scrape my enamel off! It still amazes me that they're scraping so much and it doesn't hurt the teeth but microscopic germs can eat through them...strange quirks of nature. My wisdom teeth are still all in bony casing which means that they probably won't erupt for at least another year, which is just fine with me. Being a flute player, the removal of wisdom teeth must be carefully planned, because it will be at least a 2-4 week recovery period before being back at top efficiency. Perhaps over the christmas break NEXT year. That's when my sister got her wisdom teeth removed (approximately), and I'm figuring that mine will probably follow about the same pattern-perhaps. I'm still holding out hope that maybe I'll have only three wisdom teeth, like my mom. The x-rays were inconclusive (they had to use the small film because my mouth is tiny and they couldn't see all of them) on the top so we just don't know yet. I really don't mind going to the dentist-the hygienists are always nice and friendly and my dentist is a very nice man with 6 or 7 children, two of them now into their teen years so he's very, very patient and always takes the time to explain things! Surprisingly, an hour at the dentist went by pretty quickly and I then headed across the street to my doctor's new office.
I had to wait awhile because I was still early, but that was okay, it gave me a little bit of time to read some more of 'Wild Geese' by Martha Ostenso. I first read it back in grade eleven as part of our literature study on the human condition-in addition to reading 1984, Fahreinheit 451 and Brave New World (reading the four gave me the opportunity to score high and I did, 39/40, just losing one mark for MLA formatting). I think it was last year when I decided that I wanted to read all those books we had to read throughout high school to really READ them and not disect them. My english teacher in high school was wonderful, and I love to read, but there's always a little bit of you that likes the book less when you HAVE to read it. Thus, when I read 1984 last winter I found it a whole lot more interesting than previously! I'm thinking it will be the same way with Wild Geese. I did get to see my doctor a little bit early, which was good because they close at 12:00 for lunch everyday and she did have to do a little bit. Actually, the lab technician had to do a lot more! My doctor took my blood pressure, which was pretty normal for me at 100/60 (small size and active lifestyle plus no alcohol, tobacco and I watch my sodium levels) and listened to my heart and lungs just to make sure. I didn't have to get weighed though! That really made me feel a lot better. Until the problems with the blood test.
Now, the lab technician is quite good. She's been there for several years and is quite friendly and skilled. I'm not blaming her at all! However...having to have I think six test tubes taken when I'd been fasting and probably hadn't had enough water to drink...and the fact that I was cold...made things more challenging. Usually we just take from my left arm-I prefer it that way so that I don't have to worry so much. But, today, the veins on my left arm didn't seem to be popping up so she decided to try my right arm. Not much better, so we put a hot towel over them to help (worked wonders when my mom got her chemo before the PICC line). It started out all right, but quickly stopped...and now I have a rather large, painful bruise right where my elbow bends. So, she moved over to the left arm and decided to use a smaller needle. In the end we got everything but it wasn't very easy...my blood just didn't seem to want to flow today and my hand was turning purple. At least that's done. Hopefully, all the tests will be okay-electrolyte levels that the hospital ED program requires, red cell count, hemaglobin/iron, vitamin d (I have a hard time absorbing it so I take 2000 iui everyday), cholesterol, liver function and blood sugar (the last three because of seroquel's possible side effects). Now we just wait. No news will be good news, I can almost guarantee that. I do know that the vitamin d test results won't be back for months (last september's results only came back in June of this year) because they are understaffed where it has to be sent. The north's curse...lack of direct sunshine for eight months...
I think I've had enough of silver-tipped sharp instruments for today though!
Monday, September 6, 2010
Labour day!
All weekend (when I've been home-I've spent a fair amount of time cat-sitting at my sister's apartment) I've been having a 'good clear out'. I'm the type of person that finds cleaning and organizing fun, and relaxing. In fact, sometimes it's hard to stop! Among the many things I've switched my backpacks (getting rid of the crumbling, falling apart one), put away a large pile of music that had gathered on my desk, rehung my calender (the nail fell out about a month ago...BEHIND the filing cabinet that it hangs above), gotten all of my school things ready for friday, dug into the far back of my closet (it doesn't usually see the light of day because one of the sliding doors is broken and my shoe organizer makes it difficult to reach that area), and gone through my clothes-sending a bunch of them downstairs to the Salvation Army donation bag. It's not that they didn't fit anymore-it's that over the past two-three years my clothing requirements have changed a little bit. In high school, like most teenagers I tended to dress mostly in jeans, long and short sleeved t-shirts and hoodies. That was my 'every-day wear', and I then had a bunch of 'weekend clothes' that were even less classy (think a few old hand-me-down sweatshirts, a few very large arctic fleece-type shirts and t-shirts that were either waaaay too large or had stretched weirdly). Well, now that I'm in university and such, how I dress has changed. Now, my weekend attire is some of the jeans, t-shirts and hoodies (the nicer ones that I used to wear during the week) and my weekday attire is things like blouses/shirts, nicer jeans and cords/pants, some skirts, blazers, and of course, my sweaters (some of my favourite clothing articles!). I realized as I went through my closet that I had clothes that I hadn't worn in more than a year, and probably wouldn't wear. In other words, they were just taking up space and gathering dust when some woman or girl could be making use of them. It was a little hard to part with a couple of my favourite old shirts, but they were much too young for me now (I'm small, and they were bought from the girls' department...enough said) and it was time to send them on. Hopefully some girl about ten years younger than me will love them as much as I did.
My mom's had a really rough weekend, but she was able to give me some directions in making one of my favourite breads ever. The recipe is such that you really need to do it with someone who knows how to really understand and have good results. My attempt went pretty well, although I put a little bit too much flour in (it's a zen thing according to how humid the room is) and it maybe could have cooked for a minute or two less-but other than that, it made a very nice bread. I'll post the recipe at some point, because it is truly delightful. All except two people (two kids who are known to be somewhat picky eaters) loved the wacky cake that I took to the daycare, so I will post that recipe as well!
Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment and hopefully the dreaded doctor's appointment with my family doctor, but I won't known until I phone when the office opens tomorrow. In preparation though, I'm fasting. The not eating part is easy...it's the abstaining from green tea that's hard. Though, I think I've had about 6 cups of green tea today and for a while I was on a bit of a caffeine high, so maybe it's a good thing that I can't have anymore today. I'm not really looking forward to the doctor's appointment at all...well, I'm okay with everything except the scale, and the possibility that my doctor might make me have an EKG, because it means taking off everything from waist up (at least at her place-I've had EKG's elsewhere and haven't had to strip like that). Now, I'm a very modest person-I don't like to show any cleavage, I'm always cautious about buttons, and I never show my stomach except perhaps about an inch between the bottom and top of my modest two piece bathing suit. So, that's one reason that even though both my doctor and the technician are female and I've had this same doctor since I was 3 1/2 I dread the possibility. Another is that I'm also very, very self-concious of my chest area. I feel disgusted by it and naturally then don't want to share it with anyone. The final reason is that when I was 12 years old-right at the very start of that development-I was touched inappropriately more than once by a boy in my grade at school who claimed to like me. Perhaps he did and just didn't know how to show it properly. Whatever the case, I was very, very happy when he dropped out after christmas that year. Most of the time I'm okay with what happened, I've moved on-except for when I encounter his picture in the yearbook, or when I start getting touched there.
I think that things might have been easier for me in this respect if I hadn't buried what happened. About a couple of months after the boy left, and he stopped being news, I just put him at the back of my mind. I didn't really think about it again until I was doing an assignment for history at the beginning of grade eight-making a time-line of our lives without words. Pretty much without even realizing what I was doing, I ended up drawing a picture of my violation on the timeline. Later, when it was handed back, my teacher pulled me aside and asked about it-wanted to confirm what it was on there and wanted to make sure my parents knew. Now, this teacher is a wonderful man and a great teacher and I feel blessed to have had him for both grade eight and nine history/social studies classes and then later on in grades ten and eleven for gym class. BUT at the time, I could not tell the truth. This led to one of the only lies I have ever told a teacher. I lied and said that my parents knew and everything was fine. Later, right before parent-teacher interviews, when I found out that my dad had signed up to see this particular teacher, I slightly panicked once again and asked my teacher not to mention anything about this-that it was something we didn't talk about. I guess I was convincing in all of this because my parents, to this day, do not know... I have considered writing to this teacher and thanking him for his wonderful teaching and human-beingness...but also confessing that I lied to him, not once but twice, but that in the end things have worked out-and that I did talk about it with a professional (never mind that this didn't happen until I was 17/18). He knows a little bit of my story-he knows that I spent two weeks in hospital after my suicide attempt, and that it had built up for a long time beforehand, and perhaps he even guessed about my eating problems. I don't know. Hard to say...I think about my high school teachers a lot, but they have hundreds of students that they have taught-I wonder if some of them even really remember me. Of course, my band teacher would-six years of being a flute section leader and involved in every musical thing the school had to offer will do that! Plus, my band teacher even came and saw me at the hospital. But who's to say about the rest? It has, after all, been more than two years since I graduated now. I have been wanting to write thank-you notes to them for a long time, but I still haven't gotten to it. It's something that's really important to me though, and to be honest, I think it's important for me to do...to have closure on that part of my life. Besides, teachers never get enough thanks, and I know that learning of specific ways that you impacted students is not only helpful for continuing excellence in teaching but is also heart-warming. I know this much from my five months of working in daycares! It's always very special when a parent will come up and say "Thank you for doing such-and-such. My child just loves this and talks about it a lot!" or when a kid will say "I love doing this with you".
My, this was a somewhat random post. Sort of like my random-ish cleaning and organizing. My mom is really trying to downsize things-go through her things so that the rest of us won't have to-but she often needs help to do so. I decided that I'd put off washing some finished cross-stitch pieces for waaaay too many weeks and that today I was FINALLY going to do it, so I had to get the white wash bin that's only ever been used for handwashing from her closet. For years now it has help things to be repaired-a couple of baby clothing articles, and some other clothes as well as a couple of barbie things she started to knit and never finished. Well, I had to empty the bin, and so when I was finished with my washing, my mom decided that we would go through it. So that was our little downsizing project for today.
Tomorrow in addition to my appointment(s) I will get down to the university with my fee payment, buy a gym pass at the university athletic centre (a wonderful deal for students) and hopefully drop off my resume for a TA/Marker position for the professor of the basic skills class (things like ear-training and sight-singing). HOWEVER, I have yet to create that resume, so I should stop babbling on in this post and do so! Plus, I still have a bunch of things on my bed from my 'good clear out' and need to take care of that before I go to sleep!
My mom's had a really rough weekend, but she was able to give me some directions in making one of my favourite breads ever. The recipe is such that you really need to do it with someone who knows how to really understand and have good results. My attempt went pretty well, although I put a little bit too much flour in (it's a zen thing according to how humid the room is) and it maybe could have cooked for a minute or two less-but other than that, it made a very nice bread. I'll post the recipe at some point, because it is truly delightful. All except two people (two kids who are known to be somewhat picky eaters) loved the wacky cake that I took to the daycare, so I will post that recipe as well!
Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment and hopefully the dreaded doctor's appointment with my family doctor, but I won't known until I phone when the office opens tomorrow. In preparation though, I'm fasting. The not eating part is easy...it's the abstaining from green tea that's hard. Though, I think I've had about 6 cups of green tea today and for a while I was on a bit of a caffeine high, so maybe it's a good thing that I can't have anymore today. I'm not really looking forward to the doctor's appointment at all...well, I'm okay with everything except the scale, and the possibility that my doctor might make me have an EKG, because it means taking off everything from waist up (at least at her place-I've had EKG's elsewhere and haven't had to strip like that). Now, I'm a very modest person-I don't like to show any cleavage, I'm always cautious about buttons, and I never show my stomach except perhaps about an inch between the bottom and top of my modest two piece bathing suit. So, that's one reason that even though both my doctor and the technician are female and I've had this same doctor since I was 3 1/2 I dread the possibility. Another is that I'm also very, very self-concious of my chest area. I feel disgusted by it and naturally then don't want to share it with anyone. The final reason is that when I was 12 years old-right at the very start of that development-I was touched inappropriately more than once by a boy in my grade at school who claimed to like me. Perhaps he did and just didn't know how to show it properly. Whatever the case, I was very, very happy when he dropped out after christmas that year. Most of the time I'm okay with what happened, I've moved on-except for when I encounter his picture in the yearbook, or when I start getting touched there.
I think that things might have been easier for me in this respect if I hadn't buried what happened. About a couple of months after the boy left, and he stopped being news, I just put him at the back of my mind. I didn't really think about it again until I was doing an assignment for history at the beginning of grade eight-making a time-line of our lives without words. Pretty much without even realizing what I was doing, I ended up drawing a picture of my violation on the timeline. Later, when it was handed back, my teacher pulled me aside and asked about it-wanted to confirm what it was on there and wanted to make sure my parents knew. Now, this teacher is a wonderful man and a great teacher and I feel blessed to have had him for both grade eight and nine history/social studies classes and then later on in grades ten and eleven for gym class. BUT at the time, I could not tell the truth. This led to one of the only lies I have ever told a teacher. I lied and said that my parents knew and everything was fine. Later, right before parent-teacher interviews, when I found out that my dad had signed up to see this particular teacher, I slightly panicked once again and asked my teacher not to mention anything about this-that it was something we didn't talk about. I guess I was convincing in all of this because my parents, to this day, do not know... I have considered writing to this teacher and thanking him for his wonderful teaching and human-beingness...but also confessing that I lied to him, not once but twice, but that in the end things have worked out-and that I did talk about it with a professional (never mind that this didn't happen until I was 17/18). He knows a little bit of my story-he knows that I spent two weeks in hospital after my suicide attempt, and that it had built up for a long time beforehand, and perhaps he even guessed about my eating problems. I don't know. Hard to say...I think about my high school teachers a lot, but they have hundreds of students that they have taught-I wonder if some of them even really remember me. Of course, my band teacher would-six years of being a flute section leader and involved in every musical thing the school had to offer will do that! Plus, my band teacher even came and saw me at the hospital. But who's to say about the rest? It has, after all, been more than two years since I graduated now. I have been wanting to write thank-you notes to them for a long time, but I still haven't gotten to it. It's something that's really important to me though, and to be honest, I think it's important for me to do...to have closure on that part of my life. Besides, teachers never get enough thanks, and I know that learning of specific ways that you impacted students is not only helpful for continuing excellence in teaching but is also heart-warming. I know this much from my five months of working in daycares! It's always very special when a parent will come up and say "Thank you for doing such-and-such. My child just loves this and talks about it a lot!" or when a kid will say "I love doing this with you".
My, this was a somewhat random post. Sort of like my random-ish cleaning and organizing. My mom is really trying to downsize things-go through her things so that the rest of us won't have to-but she often needs help to do so. I decided that I'd put off washing some finished cross-stitch pieces for waaaay too many weeks and that today I was FINALLY going to do it, so I had to get the white wash bin that's only ever been used for handwashing from her closet. For years now it has help things to be repaired-a couple of baby clothing articles, and some other clothes as well as a couple of barbie things she started to knit and never finished. Well, I had to empty the bin, and so when I was finished with my washing, my mom decided that we would go through it. So that was our little downsizing project for today.
Tomorrow in addition to my appointment(s) I will get down to the university with my fee payment, buy a gym pass at the university athletic centre (a wonderful deal for students) and hopefully drop off my resume for a TA/Marker position for the professor of the basic skills class (things like ear-training and sight-singing). HOWEVER, I have yet to create that resume, so I should stop babbling on in this post and do so! Plus, I still have a bunch of things on my bed from my 'good clear out' and need to take care of that before I go to sleep!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Final day!
Tomorrow is my last day working with the kids for at least a little while. We'll see-I may be able to stay on the substitute list. Either way, things change after tomorrow. I made two chocolate wacky cakes tonight to share with the kids and staff tomorrow. Often, when kids have their last day at daycare, they bring a treat, and so I figure that it's perfectly fine to do the same :) I do like baking and don't get the chance to do that too much, so it was fun.
Today was really a pretty good day, all things considered. I took both my flute and my piccolo in and shared them with the kids-talked about the instruments themselves a little bit, let them gently (one at a time!) touch the keys, showed them my metronome and tuner, that type of thing, and then played part of Mozart's concerto in G major first movement on both flute and piccolo so that they could hear the difference! They were surprisingly enthusiastic about the music. It was a lot of fun for me.
After work I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen in almost a year. We were fellow 'inmates' in the hospital together back more than two years ago now and we've shared a special connection-be it through the internet most of the time-since then. She's really struggling too, but in many ways is the best yet, because she's starting to be ready to confront her bulimia and has definitely made very good steps in limiting her alcohol and tobacco and stopping other drugs. Plus, she doesn't cut much anymore, which is very promising. Unfortunately, she probably will have to do at least a few weeks of inpatient treatment which is very, very hard for her to accept because she has spent literally months of her life already in that hospital. However, we are I think in agreement together along with her doctor that at least for a few weeks, doing inpatient and not just day hospital (and certainly not just a group) will probably be the safest way. After all, say she had a really bad day at the day hospital...well, when she left, she could easily go drink herself sick or find someone selling crack etc etc. You can't do that if you're an inpatient-you have the supports there. We had a good talk over our favourite caffeinated beverages (coffee for her, green tea for me) for an hour or so before I had to catch my bus home to go bake the cakes.
A big surprise while I was baking was the phone call. My mom had not had any contact with my uncle(her brother) in MONTHS-not since she got sick, really. Well, tonight he called, and they had a good talk. An important talk. I'd been almost to the point of writing him a letter myself saying how frustrated I was, so I'm very glad he phoned. Though, at first, I figured that something must have happened to a family member (most of our family lives in a different province than us). Fortunately, that was not the case.
Well, I'm up too late anyways. I should have taken my seroquel (medication I take at nighttime that's an antipsychotic that has antidepressive and antiobsessional features that makes me fall asleep as a side-effect/benefit) half an hour ago and be almost asleep by now! I guess the last-day-of-work-tomorrow bit has kind of kept me up...and the baking! One of the only bad parts of today (besides the rain and wind that kept us inside) is that I think I might be getting a cold...and none of the kids at the daycare have even had colds in weeks! A cough/sore throat combination yes, but nothing involving the sinuses...it just seems kind of ironic that I'm maybe getting sick for my last day of work.
"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, work, and faith"
Today was really a pretty good day, all things considered. I took both my flute and my piccolo in and shared them with the kids-talked about the instruments themselves a little bit, let them gently (one at a time!) touch the keys, showed them my metronome and tuner, that type of thing, and then played part of Mozart's concerto in G major first movement on both flute and piccolo so that they could hear the difference! They were surprisingly enthusiastic about the music. It was a lot of fun for me.
After work I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen in almost a year. We were fellow 'inmates' in the hospital together back more than two years ago now and we've shared a special connection-be it through the internet most of the time-since then. She's really struggling too, but in many ways is the best yet, because she's starting to be ready to confront her bulimia and has definitely made very good steps in limiting her alcohol and tobacco and stopping other drugs. Plus, she doesn't cut much anymore, which is very promising. Unfortunately, she probably will have to do at least a few weeks of inpatient treatment which is very, very hard for her to accept because she has spent literally months of her life already in that hospital. However, we are I think in agreement together along with her doctor that at least for a few weeks, doing inpatient and not just day hospital (and certainly not just a group) will probably be the safest way. After all, say she had a really bad day at the day hospital...well, when she left, she could easily go drink herself sick or find someone selling crack etc etc. You can't do that if you're an inpatient-you have the supports there. We had a good talk over our favourite caffeinated beverages (coffee for her, green tea for me) for an hour or so before I had to catch my bus home to go bake the cakes.
A big surprise while I was baking was the phone call. My mom had not had any contact with my uncle(her brother) in MONTHS-not since she got sick, really. Well, tonight he called, and they had a good talk. An important talk. I'd been almost to the point of writing him a letter myself saying how frustrated I was, so I'm very glad he phoned. Though, at first, I figured that something must have happened to a family member (most of our family lives in a different province than us). Fortunately, that was not the case.
Well, I'm up too late anyways. I should have taken my seroquel (medication I take at nighttime that's an antipsychotic that has antidepressive and antiobsessional features that makes me fall asleep as a side-effect/benefit) half an hour ago and be almost asleep by now! I guess the last-day-of-work-tomorrow bit has kind of kept me up...and the baking! One of the only bad parts of today (besides the rain and wind that kept us inside) is that I think I might be getting a cold...and none of the kids at the daycare have even had colds in weeks! A cough/sore throat combination yes, but nothing involving the sinuses...it just seems kind of ironic that I'm maybe getting sick for my last day of work.
"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, work, and faith"
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Two days...
It's so hard to believe that I only have two days left with the kids in a full-time capacity. Yes, there's the possibility that I may be able to stay on the substitute list, and yes, I'm sure that I'd be able to work there next summer...but things change friday at 5:15 when my last shift of the summer ends. Let's just say my emotions are in full overdrive because I love the kids so much, and the staff is great too...but at the same time, I'm also really looking forward to getting back to school. A complete torn feeling! I guess the phrase, better to have loved and lost...well, it's true. Even in an 11-week position, you bond with the children, some more than others. My heart definitely melts several times a day.
On other emotional notes...every other tuesday-friday is definitely very challenging. First, tuesday is the day when my mom meets with her community oncologist to review her blood work and everything else to make sure that she's healthy enough for the chemo. There's always the chance that her white count will be down, or her potassium levels will be too low, or her hemoglobin will have dropped and they'll decide to do a blood transfusion on wednesday and push the chemo to thursday. Then, if everything is okay, wednesday she gets chemo...only one of the drugs takes 48 hours, so she has a pump that she calls 'Gertrude' that gets brought home. She's usually over at the hospital for about four hours for the chemo, and then has to drag around this chemo purse for 47-48 hours upon coming home, then go back to the hospital on the friday to get it disconnected. I'm very grateful that she had a PICC line inserted before she started up this set of chemo in May because I'm sure she would have had more problems by now otherwise. Now, if they could only draw blood from her PICC line more often instead of trying-and often failing-to draw blood from her right arm veins. My mom had her chemo started today, and it's really hit her pretty hard. The one good thing about chemo these days is the anti-emetic drugs that work very well. My mom rarely gets nauseous, although she doesn't feel well, but there have only been one or two treatments where she's actually gotten an upset stomach. Her main problem is the tingling that's started happening in all her extremeties. It's rather bothersome. When I came home today I knew that she didn't feel very positive about this treatment. The side effects have intensified each week. It makes me a little bit scared, because if this IS helping-and we won't know for about three or four more weeks-then she may have to live with the side effects. Though...she could decide that if the side effects are so bad, she'd rather not take the few months it might give her. Can't say I'd blame her either. As much as I want my mom to be around as long as possible, I also know that a life in such pain probably wouldn't be good for any of us. I always expected that someday I would end up caring for my parents, but I never thought that it would start when I was 19, and that it would be my mom. My mom was always the healthy one...until last summer when she started to get sick. I'm going to post my mom's full story when I have time-perhaps when I'm cat-sitting for my sister this weekend at her apartment while she's out at the lake for the long weekend.
Let go and Let God.
On other emotional notes...every other tuesday-friday is definitely very challenging. First, tuesday is the day when my mom meets with her community oncologist to review her blood work and everything else to make sure that she's healthy enough for the chemo. There's always the chance that her white count will be down, or her potassium levels will be too low, or her hemoglobin will have dropped and they'll decide to do a blood transfusion on wednesday and push the chemo to thursday. Then, if everything is okay, wednesday she gets chemo...only one of the drugs takes 48 hours, so she has a pump that she calls 'Gertrude' that gets brought home. She's usually over at the hospital for about four hours for the chemo, and then has to drag around this chemo purse for 47-48 hours upon coming home, then go back to the hospital on the friday to get it disconnected. I'm very grateful that she had a PICC line inserted before she started up this set of chemo in May because I'm sure she would have had more problems by now otherwise. Now, if they could only draw blood from her PICC line more often instead of trying-and often failing-to draw blood from her right arm veins. My mom had her chemo started today, and it's really hit her pretty hard. The one good thing about chemo these days is the anti-emetic drugs that work very well. My mom rarely gets nauseous, although she doesn't feel well, but there have only been one or two treatments where she's actually gotten an upset stomach. Her main problem is the tingling that's started happening in all her extremeties. It's rather bothersome. When I came home today I knew that she didn't feel very positive about this treatment. The side effects have intensified each week. It makes me a little bit scared, because if this IS helping-and we won't know for about three or four more weeks-then she may have to live with the side effects. Though...she could decide that if the side effects are so bad, she'd rather not take the few months it might give her. Can't say I'd blame her either. As much as I want my mom to be around as long as possible, I also know that a life in such pain probably wouldn't be good for any of us. I always expected that someday I would end up caring for my parents, but I never thought that it would start when I was 19, and that it would be my mom. My mom was always the healthy one...until last summer when she started to get sick. I'm going to post my mom's full story when I have time-perhaps when I'm cat-sitting for my sister this weekend at her apartment while she's out at the lake for the long weekend.
Let go and Let God.
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